The intersection of transition and old behaviors is a lonely place in my opinion. It’s where I currently sit, idling. And that’s the rub, I’m idling, in neutral. Ahead of me is what appears to be an insurmountable incline pockmarked with craters, evidence of landslides and fires. At the peak of this behemoth is a sungold halo, sparking crystalline rays outward. I can barely make it out – it’s miniscule and the glare damn near blinding, but I can see it. It’s Something Better. I know it. I look again in front of me. I feel the air release from me like a balloon. I deflate some.
What a climb, I think.
Behind me, I can see clear across the horizon. No craters. No hills. No landslides. No fires. No Something Better with the halo and crystals. I’ve been there before. I know where it leads. And that’s what draws me in: I’ve been there before, it’s familiar territory. I’m at a point where I’ve got to decide: what was versus what could be.
Face the insurmountable.
Or ride the familiar roads.
Therein lay one of my life’s greatest challenges.
I was driving to a recent therapy session and caught scent of my hand. I’d just been cleaning with bleach thus, my hand emanated a fleshy chlorine smell. I was brought back to high school when I damn near smelled like that all the time since I spent all winter and all summer in the pool, swimming for sport and swimming for pleasure. I thought of those times, and in particular the team for which I swam and felt lonely.
Did it stem from me “missing” how many people I used to surround myself with in order to fill some undefined void? Or was it a small realization that even then, there was no one that really cared about me. I was alone, though I wasn’t actually alone. Rather, I was lonely, though I wasn’t actually alone. I’m concerned about the first thought I had – that the loneliness I felt was a result of missing whatever environment I was in years ago.
At present, I’m fighting myself to be closer to my wife, to my kids. I behave in ways that prevent true and sustained intimacy, that prevent true and sustained relationship growth. This is my war. The war with myself.