Friday, September 7, 2012

On Friends

On friends: I would call anyone I knew for an extended period of time a "friend" because a lot of me thought they were.  I knew these people, interacted with them, had some laughs intermittently, so they must be friends right?  Also, these people tended to be females, and very few males.  This though, stems back to my mother issues, and how she impressed upon me that females existed to do my bidding, to be used like a resource - after all, that's how she saw people, and so she mined them, like a human quarry.

I've always called myself the social chameleon, because I could fit or blend into nearly any group at any time.  I didn’t have a set group of friends, not really, or I didn’t feel like it anyway.  Other people would say that I tended to hang out with or be around a certain group of people, but I found myself floating, drifting from one social caste to another.  Indeed, I had one or two “best friends” at a time, but they came and went too.  One friend I had for over 20 years if you can believe it, but in time he proved to be as useless as the rest of the people I knew.

I gave myself the moniker of social chameleon because I didn’t have an identity, not really.  My identity, in retrospect, was a Fraud, but that was because I wasn’t allowed to have an identity – if I did, my mother would not have a “Mirror Mirror On The Wall, Who’s The Fairest Of Them All” resource, and we all know THAT just can’t happen.  Seems to me, your identity became a tragedy of the NMother as well, enveloped by whatever She was/is.  Part of the reason I have to have a new reality is because my old one just didn’t work.  I couldn’t be a chameleon anymore.  I could not be a Fraud and expect to have a fruitful life with my wife, with my family.  And that’s what’s important, that it’s my family, not my mother’s.  I have made a choice to be someone and something different.  I have to remove her parasitic grasp of me and See that I am able to become something more than what she wants for me.

Another thing my mother gave to me which I took with and ran, was the ability to constantly pick out people to be close to that were not healthy, that would use me somehow.  I did this because I was trying to fill a void with the love and attention I was seeking throughout childhood.  The love and attention that should have come from MommyDearest, but was instead a vacuum of souls.  The people I was attracted to and were attracted to me were all the same types of people that I grew up with: vapid, superficial, all-consuming, selfish collection of biophysical, biochemical reactions that created something that walks and talks.  So now, while the prospect of good, deep friendship is there, I’m not concerned with that because I can’t be, and that’s the kicker.  Right now, I’m more likely to fall in with the likes of the Past.  Instead, as I focus more intently on myself, the natural gravity will shift from those of the Past, to a more healthy, and prosperous Present and Future.  But, as my wife points out, start with myself, and the rest will follow.

Until then, it’s comforting to know there is community here struggling with very similar issues where support is always offered…without strings.

6 comments:

  1. Friendship is over rated.

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  2. I think what you say about a void at the center of where our identity should be is exactly right. For many of us, our problems with NP began when we started differentiating from them. It's inconvenient for a NP to have to deal with the reality that their child is actually....gasp....a separate person. How dare we grow into our separate identities? How dare we become autonomous adults? It is amazing that the narcissistic nuclear family has such a death grip on the souls of grown ups. That's how bad the damage to us has been. But the fingers can be pried open. One by one by one.

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  3. You have many friends here, in the ACoN community LSV. You and Jonsi are very important to all your interlocutors here. No strings attached.

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  4. Friendship, or rather, the idea that one should always be surrounded with as many people as possible was driven into me and I accepted that, and ran with it. I realize now that I don't need all those poeple, especially when they don't actually care about me. Ones who have my best interest at heart, and who care about how well I thrive, that's who I need around me.

    CS - I'd reply directly to your comment but for some reason I cannot, so I'm addressing it here. Anyway, I'd like to say thank you, and I very much appreciate it.

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