Monday, August 27, 2012

The Long Hallway of Similar Foes

I had the following dream last night:

I was at a house, presumably my own, with my mother in law, and other people whose faces I couldn't see but I knew they were part of the Good People.  This was the start of the dream (or what I can remember as the start of the dream) and already I felt uneasy about something.  I felt like I needed to lock down the house.  Then my father’s wife showed up unexpectedly.  I panicked; started shutting all the windows and doors in a desperate attempt to get her to leave.  When I got to the front door, she saw me, I slammed it, and she started yelling at me, using my childhood nickname, beseeching me with things like how could I do this, and I was being stupid. 

I was on edge, and explained this to my mother in law.  Then I saw a clan of people walking around the house - it was my father, his wife, and her kids.  My children were near the window and door.  I was rushing to button up everything, to lock all the windows/doors, but somehow they made it inside, and when I turned around a corner, all of them were there holding and playing with my kids, like nothing was wrong or out of place. 

Flash

I realized they were gone and had taken the kids with them and I was raging and hysterical to find them.  I was running down a hallway, very long and carpeted red.  I was fighting people who all looked the same: youngish in face with long hair and a black suit.  I overcame them easily, but there many of them.  They would try to punch and kick me but their movements were so slow that I easily moved or blocked it and countered.

One of the people I fought was my brother in law.  This particular brother in law is likely to follow the crowd when it comes to a great many things.  I stopped running and fighting when I realized it was him and asked, “What are you doing here?“ as I motioned down the hallway to presumably where my kids were.  He laughed a bit and said, “Oh I don't know, I just thought...” and trailed off, but I knew that he was just going with the fold, like he didn't know any better.  I set him straight and continued on to meet my (only) step brother.  Only he was still his 10 year old self, and he was pleading for me to stop fighting people and in particular, he said I was “breaking his heart”.  I couldn't understand why he couldn't understand why I was fighting so hard to get to my kids. 

Then I came to a room where my father and his wife were sitting, not looking distressed or pleased, or anything really.  They were waxy.  And just…sitting.  I didn't see my kids.  I rushed at my step-mother, punched her and threw her at the wall.  My dad was in a chair and didn't do anything.  I didn't see myself fight him, but I know I did and overcame him.

And then I woke up.

I told my wife that I wasn’t sure to expect something from my father and his wife soon because I had this dream about them.  Could be just because I know they are dangerous and my subconscious was bringing that to my conscious self.  Either way, these types of dreams my wife has had on many occasions, and while I’m disturbed be the events within the dream, I know my mind and my heart is in the right place now.  And that, if nothing else, is a good thing.

3 comments:

  1. Sounds like maybe you're rightly afraid that your father and his wife could somehow emotionally influence your kids the way they used to do to you?

    Or even, that what influence of theirs might still be 'lurking' in you, might thereby be gaining access to your treasured relationships?

    It also sounds like you are processing-- getting used to-- the reality that they are already overcome by you, they are becoming of no consequence, and therefore you are continuing the nuances of grieving that reality, of grieving that it can't be the scenario where 'nothing is wrong' and it is just a normal healthy family relationship.

    Just some possibilities I am running past you. --quartz

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    Replies
    1. Wow, I think those are great observations, Quartz!

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    2. I second Jonsi - those are excellent observations. Indeed, I am concerned that their influence on me will be passed on to my children. I know I have some of my father in me, and even more of my mother, and that's going to be a lifelong battle - to protect my kids from that.

      I found myself not at all upset that I was trying to physically hurt my parents in the dream, indeed I was more concerned with the state of my children and how I couldn't get to them. Again, I am worried their precence will impede my progress and the protection I'm attempting to provide my family.

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