Thursday, August 23, 2012

Control

I heard a song on the radio the other day.
Puddle of Mudd’s Control

I love the way you look at me
I feel the pain you place inside
you lock me up inside your dirty cage
when I'm alone inside my mind

I'd like to teach you all the rules
I'd get to see them set in stone
I like it when you chain me to the bed
but then your secrets never show

I need to feel you
You need to feel me
I can't control you
You're not the one for me, no

I can't control you
You can't control me
I need to feel you
so why's there even you and me?

I love the way you rake my skin
I feel the hate you place inside
I need to get your voice out of my head
Cause I'm that guy you'll never find

I think you know all of the rules
there's no expressions on your face
I'm hope that some day you will let me go
Release me from my dirty cage

I need to feel you
You need to feel me
I can't control you
You're not the one for me, no

I can't control you
You can't control me
I need to feel you
So why's there even you and me?

I love the way you look at me
I love the way you smack my ass
I love the dirty things you do
I have control of you

I need to feel you
You need to feel me
I can't control you
You're not the one for me, no

I can't control you
You can't control me
I need to feel you
So why's there even you and me.....

You're not the one for me, no


When I heard it, I instantly remembered the first time I heard the song.  My mother brought it to my attention when it first came out on the radio.  She said that when she heard the song, she laughed and thought of me.  What could have possibly made her think of me?  

This line: I love the way you smack my ass

That line, out of the whole song, made my mother think of me.  She thought it was funny she said.  So my mother thought of me as a romantic partner, a friend, a buddy, a spouse, a doormat, a resource.  Dear Johnny5, I’m going to vomit.  Why would you bring something like to your son? 

I’M NOT YOUR FUCKING SPOUSE, YOUR BUDDY, YOUR ANYTHING
I WAS YOUR SON, AND EXPECTED TO BE TREATED AS SUCH

EPIC FUCKING FAIL DOESN’T EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE YOUR HIDEOUS TRANSGRESSIONS


What.   The.    Hellfuck.

I was thinking too, looking at the rest of the lyrics.  It’s very interesting she picked that song since it had to do with control, or sometimes lack thereof.  I think she was showing me that she did have control of me at that point, that I was inside her “dirty cage” and she was the expressionless Witch Queen. 

6 comments:

  1. Now THAT's what I call transcending indifference. Rising up and kicking indifference in the ass. Indeed, WTF. What a thing to laugh at in a song. The more we think back on our NM's responses over the years, the more inappropriate and weird things we will discover and remember. They form a pattern that shows how mentally and morally disordered they were/are.

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    1. Exactly. At the time, I was all "oh ha ha that IS so funny Mommy, lets play that song again and pretend like you don't have a proclivity for incest toward me!"

      Barf.

      Now, looking at that, it was utterly disturbing at the very least. The V E R Y least.

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  2. Congratulations for getting out from under her control. Good for you.

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  3. WOW! I guess! It's been a long time since lyrics raised goose-bumps, but those sure do, LSV. You know how the emotional incest these MNmothers play out with us kids is so insidious, we know somehow it's really creepy but we can't find the words to explain it? Well, you just did.
    Also, "I have CONTROL of you"
    Not any more. This is exactly why I'm so hard-core NC: You have to get AWAY from these "parents"/NFoo for a good long while to feel safe enough for the stuff to really start percolating up, so to speak. It's just shocking when you get some time and distance apart from the situation. I don't care how self-aware we think we are-we all have "blind spots" and stuff involving an N Foo will inevitably be found there, in those formerly "blind spots."
    It sounds like you're really working hard and more importantly, really getting a handle on the Legacy. Here's a cyber "High Five" for LSV! Yesss!

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  4. Yay! Get mad! Anger is your friend when wielded to instigate positive change. :)

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