Tuesday, June 26, 2012

ODF Reaching Out

In the past nine months or so, my Once-Dear-Friend has emailed me twice.  The older of the two emails went a little something like this:

LSV, I was going through some old pictures and came across one of you and your family.  I hope you and your family are doing well.

The more recent one that I received in the last few months went this way:

I’m still here.  I still care.

Admittedly, I did not save them as, erroneously, I thought them unimportant.  Ignore and it goes away I thought.  Not likely, and not with people with whom I have a demented, parasitic bond with. 

Somewhere in ODF’s mind, he really thinks he does care, that he’s being the “bigger person” because he’s still reaching out to me even though I’m not reciprocating.  All the while, he’s told me straight out, that out of “common decency” he’d still respond to my mother when she contacts him, despite when I requested he didn’t and that all communication made me uncomfortable.  I believe he was using his faith as a base for this decision, and he couldn’t see that he was forcibly and intentionally ruining whatever friendship we had left at that time.

I did not respond to his emails, I’ll point out, but I didn’t do anything further than that either, like talk about it, or write about it, which I should have.

He knows I’m not in contact with my mother anymore and yet he maintains his relationship with her.  He has no respect for the friendship we had, that’s for sure, and you know, he’s never really had respect for me either.  I’ve always felt a second class citizen to him, and I’ve told him this.  He brushed me off saying it was my fault I felt that way and that of course, he was sorry I felt slighted.  Not that he was sorry he was the source of the feelings, but sorry for the way I felt.  Took no responsibility for that one methinks.

Maintaining a relationship with him while knowing that he will respond to my mother out of common decency is a fool’s errand.  He will report back to my mother whether I want him to or not and he will end up being a spy for her, though he will see it as just tell her the facts of what he knows about me.  And of course, being a “decent human being”.  Yes, he said that.  He’s also placed the blame on me for the estrangement with my mother, and not that it was her behaviors.  Actually, he needn’t know those details, but as a best friend, should have respected my wished regardless.  He didn’t and proved he is not a best friend, a friend, an acquaintance.

He may actually wish my family well, and may still care but I’m not sure how far that really goes.  I suspect he’s playing the blame game still and it lies squarely on my and my family’s shoulders.  We’re the ones who need to reconcile, he thinks.  We’re the ones way off base.  Since, ODF, can’t or won’t see what I’m telling him, there was no choice really but to end my friendship with him.  He couldn’t be trusted and he did that to himself.  I’m reacting or possibly being proactive in my behaviors.

I think he “cares” insofar as he doesn’t mean for any physical harm to come to us (that would be ungodly) but he doesn’t actually have my best interests at heart.  How can he when his god is Number 1 in his own life to begin with.  I’m not saying I need to be number 1, but I am saying that when I request for him to stop doing something because it hurts me, AND I’m supposed to be his best friend, I expect him to do it.  That’s having my best interests at heart.

So, he’s reaching out to maintain some sort of “holier than thou” attitude, and a secondary reason could be to report back to my mother.  I don’t know what they say, or how they say it.  I believe ODF has straight up told my mother something like “LSV told me not to talk to you." 

Way to be on my side there ODF. 
Way to dodge all responsibility.

We have no friendship now, he made sure of that.  It is unfortunate that he chose my mother over me, but I can’t say I’m entirely surprised by it.  My mother’s tentacles spread themselves far and wide, infecting many, he was just the latest casualty, or willing victim, or fellow conspirator.

21 comments:

  1. Dicktits probably sent those photos to NMIL right before he wrote that first email to you, so that he and she could reminisce about how good things were before you got bitchslapped by Jonsi and forced into a marriage you didn't want. Then NMIL probably sucked his dick while he read passages aloud from his bible about Eve's transgressions with the serpent. Next, they probably bonded over a good old-fashioned bonfire, in which they tore up said photos and threw the images of Jonsi and her babies into the flames. Following all of that, they likely gave each other high-fives and went on about their merry business, destroying the lives of anyone who gets in their way.

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    1. Well that's one way of putting it.

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    2. HAHAHAHAHA! Oh God, the high fives!

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    3. Haha, this story is so funny.

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  2. "he was just the latest casualty"

    Definitely not. he's a douchbag in his own right, which means he's not a casualty, he's a fellow-schemer. They can suck each others' dicks for all I care. They deserve each other.

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    1. That's why I added the following two descriptors.

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    2. Fuck yeah! Suck that!

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  3. Sure he cares: on his terms, and only his terms matter.

    You are not unreasonable. If he were healthy, you wouldn't have to establish healthy boundaries. Boundaries are only required with people who are unhealthy.

    It is not your responsibility to bend to his will. He has clearly decided all comprise is to be done by you. How messed up is that?

    My old friends loved how my NM made them feel special. My new friends want nothing to do with her.

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    1. There are a great many people who my mother can fool easily. I'm not adept enough at searching for those people who won't fall under her spell yet. My wife, however, is.

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    2. Your mother reminds me of the character of Lady Marchmain in the book "Brideshead Revisited", she also tries to make a friend of her son's friend so that she can have access to information about him. Unlike your ODF the friend in the story realises what she's trying to do. Reading the original post on ODF a couple of things came to mind: maybe he's a coward that wants to save face with all parties, maybe he's one of those who enjoys triangulation so they can feel like the "benevolent" mediator (yuk!) and get a sense of superiority at the expense of the breach between you and your mother. Either way, not a very good friend at all.

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    3. I believe ODF does want to be that "benevolent mediator" type of person - his faith tells him so. He's always had this "I'm better than the world attitude", and I've brought this up to him. He dismissed it. Without so much as a second thought. I would have thought that one who follows his faith as he does would know a thing or two about compassion. Apparently not. He's trying to live in both worlds but in doing so, alienated me completely.

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    4. WOW, ODF is like Lady Marchmain too: better than the world but without compassion. No wonder they like each other. They have found their own mirrored image.

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  4. If he bitch-slapped you any harder you'd be walking around looking as if you had a second degree burn. His "Holier-Than-Thou" and "Common Courtesy" are narc-speak for "Screw you, Buddy. You don't have a time share and she does. I know which side my vacations are buttered on."
    Only a NP would have any interest in being "Buddies" with their kid's friends: They're about the same level of maturity, can engage in mutual "stroking"/ using one another for what ever. No doubt he feels "Special" because he's maintained a relationship with a sicko woman who's old enough to be his momma. And she gets to pretend she's still young and attractive. If your sister can't download the au current Ring Tone to her phone, he can "Help."
    Praise the lord and pass the N BS.
    They deserve each other.
    TW

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    1. "know which side my vacations are buttered on"

      HA! Wonderful!

      Indeed, my mother tried to befriend all my friends since she wanted her youth back - I took it from her you see. You know how it goes: girl meets boy at bar, they drink drank drunk, have unprotected animal sex, and get preg. Girl and boy marry out of obligation and don't really want the child (that's me). Child is born to parents that don't really want him, but mother girl realizes she can train this child to do whatever she wants. A child slave is born.

      So you see, it was my fault I was born. My fault my mother didn't have her twenties and thirties. And thus, in her forties, tried to be twenty again. IT MAKES PERFECT FUCKING SENSE DON'T YOU THINK

      Ugh.

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  5. It wasn't a mistake that you thought them unimportant. They are totally unimportant! And it's not a mistake that you didn't write about them earlier. The guy's an asshole. He doesn't care about you and you didn't ask him to "care about you". You don't need his "help". "I'm still here? I still care?" Who said you needed him through this "trying time of being married"? What, does he want to marry you after you get out of the one with Jonsi? "I'll always wait for you LSV." He's waiting at the altar. Um, okay, keep waiting. Bye.

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    1. ODF is homophobic so I think he'd be waiting at the altar of friendship, or parasitic bonding-ship.

      His emails were important in that they were further proof of how he really doesn't care and he's attempting to "be the bigger person" in this whole thing. Jonsi has it right - a dicktits he is.

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    2. Oh Lisa. You are my favorite.

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  6. He is not your friend. He is your mother's toady.

    Common decency would be to respect his best friend's wishes. He basically calls you the problem. That is no friend of yours.

    My father plays the holier than thou game. He pretends he's some sort of mediator when the fact is that it is ME he always tells is wrong and must compromise. My father also told my therapist that "whatever vicariousrising has told you is a lie." When my therapist asked my dad what he thought I was lying to my therapist about, my allegedly caring and concerned father replied: "I don't know, but whatever she's said is a lie."

    My therapist said he'd never heard such denial in all his 50+ years in practice.

    I'd put your friend somewhere in the same asshole enabler bucket as my father. There is nothing "bigger person" about an enabler.

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    1. Wow to the "everything she said is a lie" comment.

      ODF has his own agenda, his own interests at heart. He proved that when he flat out said he wouldn't respect my wishes. Not a friend. Not common decency/courtesy either.

      My father holds tight to his "I'm older AND the father, so you respect me" mantra. I prefer to treat him with respect when he earns it. He hated that. He had a temper tantrum, said I was making shit up, tried to guilt me into divorcing my wife, and was all huffy about it. 10 year olds are more mature than that.

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  7. ooooohhhhh! Isn't Daddy promoting one of them thar "Commandments?" So, if he's so "Holy" don't they FROWN on pre-marital sex? Don't they have "Promise Rings" and Daddy-Daughter dinner/dances? Oh, lemme guess: He was "SAVED" the second before the sperm torpedoed the ovum.
    Yk, these "Holy People" make me nervous: They wanna drown me in a pool (no thanks, mommy tried that in the bathtub) and assure me the "Water is CLEAN!" (OK, I'll take your word for it, but you know how kids are...and that's NOT the issue in any event.) They "bless me" with hard-cover books to clutter up my bookcases and are hell-bent on "Saving" me. (I'm beyond redemption. Just ask Psychobitch.)
    I had an unfortunate-for-me acquaintance who was by her own repeated ad nauseam proclamations, "Born Again." (Once in a life-time works for most of the global population and I'm a part of the "unwashed masses"-works for me.) I was trying to sell the house where I was living at the time and it was taking awhile. She suggested I do what she and her DH did: BURN IT DOWN. Yes, she was absolutely serious. Yes, she was describing how to wire up my laundry room-in detail. Yes, this is how they managed to get rid of their old house and build their beautiful log home. BUT! That was before they were "Saved." So it doesn't count. When I asked her if she and DH reported their adventures in arson to the cops, she responded,"Uh...no.." How 'bout reporting their fraud to their insurance company? "Ah, no..." Refund/"tithe" the money anonymously to the insurance company? "Well...no. "BUT, GOD KNOWS!" And so it's A-OK! They asked for "forgiveness", did not reimburse their insurance company, do jail time or even community service but they're "CONFESSED" to the one "entity" that'll NEVER bust 'em and that's all that matters.
    So, if your Homeowner's is going up, don't blame all the wild fires. Some aren't as "Accidental" as they appear. Or Acts of God/Nature. Could be your neighbors.
    Homophobic males make me nervous too. Especially if they're Catholic. Or Protestant or what ever. Didn't they ever participate in an adolescent "Circle Jerk"? Didn't they ever jimmy their johnson? What, do they think it's NEVER safe to bend over in the communal shower? As long as Jerry Sandusky isn't there, you're likely safe and likely VERY safe from any GAY male. Your kids are even safer YET. My other closest friend (besides Rita of 30+yrs.) of the last 20 years is a lesbian and has helped me through all kinds of stuff over the years. I love her to pieces. One day I was bemoaning one of my rookie widowhood relationship messes and I said, "Ya know, if I was a lesbian we'd make a great couple!" She was quite for about 10 seconds and said, "No offense, TW but I like women with a little more meat on 'em."
    Did I EVER DESERVE THAT!
    TW

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    1. TW, you provide me a great many gems!

      My father pretended to be happy for me and my wife when we told him and his wife about our first pregnancy. They did ask the obligatory "will you be getting married first?" and my wife and I answered no, but we would be getting married. They stopped questioning after that, pretending that they were satisfied, but they were really seething with faith-based hatred for what we were doing. They also harbored serious faith-based pity for us and our "not saved-ness" - like if we "knew Jesus/God" that would make everything better. Check out Jonsi's post on that "Bible Thumpers 101". My father and his wife will spit everything they can from the Bible so long as it fits their needs. My father dragged me to church when I was young, he did not ask if I wanted to go, and I do believe at 10 years old, I had/have a choice. But no, my father's religion was to be mine.

      I had a gay friend in college and I too asked him how compaitble we'd be, I mean we clicked friendship wise. He said I wasn't his type. I was downtrodden.

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