It's what I know how to do best actually - especially to the people I care about most (supposedly care about anyway).
That's what I was taught at a very young age - be vague and lie incessantly.
I lie (I originally wrote "like" and that word fit all too well in this thought sentence too...) to avoid consequences and then preach that I never cared about consequences. I thought I didn't, but perhaps I care so much about them, I ended up creating a life that was fraudulent.
I lie because I won't and don't like to deal with reality, even the good reality. I originally thought that I couldn't deal with it, but it is "won't" because it's a choice now. Survival it was at a young age - forced to lie to my mother, to be what she wanted, then lie to myself thinking that what she wanted was what I really was.
I lie out of habit even when the truth is right there and will take two seconds to spit out. My first reaction is to lie.
I lie because I am selfish.
I’m selfish because I lie.
I lie to distort truth into what I want to see and what I want to believe.
I have (had) everything good but I too, it for granted.
I was convinced that I was to take nothing from my mother into my marriage but I ended up taking nearly all of her with me. My conscience, much like my Little Me, is beaten and subjugated almost beyond recognition, much like Voldemort’s character was in the final scenes of Harry Potter (he was a pathetic, repulsive, withering, being on the verge of giving in to Death). That thing would be me and myself.
I’ve filled up my mind with the superfluous, the superficial, the wretched and left no room for what matters: real life, with my real family, with real emotions.
And for shit’s sake LSV, you lied to yourself in your own journal. The hell good is a journal if you don’t even tell yourself what’s real and what isn’t??
The scars will remind me how extensive the damage was, both that I have caused and that which was done to me. I intend to experience real life with my family. I only hope that I have not yet run out of time.