Well sort of. A part of me experienced a necessary death several days ago. I was left raw and uncomfortably vulnerable - an extent to which I have not experienced since I was almost 17. I set myself up at the executioner's line and asked for the bullet.
Willingly asked for it.
During the ordeal, I felt enormously heavy, yet, I experienced a weight shift. A Paradigm Shift. It could only be a darkness I've been carrying around for so long. I forgot what it was to see Light.
My brother in law called me yesterday morning and told me how he went fishing and detailed his haul. I could ONLY feel happy for him. I was excited that he had a good time. Previously, I'd always felt dejected, rejected, envious, and maligned because he hadn't asked me to go. Without thinking about it, I could be happy for him, with him. Confidence. Empathy. I have it. I just had to exorcise the darkness.
At the end of my most recent session, I told my therapist that I felt bad for feeling good for being able to see a clear path for a rebuilding of me. He stopped me, "Did you just hear yourself?" I hadn't, but he pointed out that I just said I felt bad for feeling good. Empathy emergence.
Something happened those several days ago, and it should have occurred many many years ago, and I will make sure I carry that with me, that scar, until my final days, as a constant reminder of the terrible darkness I once possessed.