Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Death

I died.

Well sort of.  A part of me experienced a necessary death several days ago.  I was left raw and uncomfortably vulnerable - an extent to which I have not experienced since I was almost 17.  I set myself up at the executioner's line and asked for the bullet. 

Willingly asked for it.

During the ordeal, I felt enormously heavy, yet, I experienced a weight shift.  A Paradigm Shift.  It could only be a darkness I've been carrying around for so long.  I forgot what it was to see Light.

My brother in law called me yesterday morning and told me how he went fishing and detailed his haul.  I could ONLY feel happy for him.  I was excited that he had a good time.  Previously, I'd always felt dejected, rejected, envious, and maligned because he hadn't asked me to go.  Without thinking about it, I could be happy for him, with him.  Confidence.  Empathy.  I have it.  I just had to exorcise the darkness.

At the end of my most recent session, I told my therapist that I felt bad for feeling good for being able to see a clear path for a rebuilding of me.  He stopped me, "Did you just hear yourself?"  I hadn't, but he pointed out that I just said I felt bad for feeling good.  Empathy emergence.

Something happened those several days ago, and it should have occurred many many years ago, and I will make sure I carry that with me, that scar, until my final days, as a constant reminder of the terrible darkness I once possessed.

4 comments:

  1. Whoohoo!! I'm so happy for you! Scars tell you that you suffered something horrible and survived.

    I don't dare be happy around my NM, because she will intentionally hurt me so she can be the hero and cheer me up. Being sad to start with is less stressful. No one can be happier than she is; if they are, then she has to bring them down to her level.

    Congratulations on leaving that insane merry-go-round behind.

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    1. I haven't left it quite yet, but it's getting there, more so than ever before. Still struggling with old behaviors though and that's the work I'm only slightly prepared for...

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  2. This sounds really difficult but also really terrific. I'm so glad you've turned a corner and left some baggage behind in the process.

    Sometimes, I think, it's hard for us ACoNs to determine where our narcissistic parents end and we begin. As we pull away from their incessant meddling and control, that line can begin to become clear. It sounds to me that you are discovering that line.

    I'm rooting for you!

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    1. Thanks! I'm rooting for me too.

      My enmeshment with my mother runs very deep, to a point where I'm certain I've been her before. All the while trying to say to myself, hey, no you're not, you're fine. Go on with you, just the way you are.

      Lies. To myself. TO everyone.

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