Tuesday, January 24, 2012

..A Letter..

Dear Little Me,

Hey kid.  No no, don’t look away, look at me.  See?  I’m smiling.  Yeah, look, you can smile too you know.  Go ahead.  Try it.  Not now, huh, well that’s ok, we’ll try again later.

Who am I?  I’m you of course, Big Me.  Confused?  That’s ok.  Most importantly, I’m here to help you, to help us find our way back to ourself.  Heh heh, yeah, I suppose it’s a little silly to think about but one of the most important people to keep happy and healthy is yourself.  Yep, it’s true.  I know.  I know you like doing things for other people.  They give you the attention you want right?  But, who did you really want the hugs and attention from…Mom?  Yeah, I know you did.  Did she make you feel like you got all her attention, Little Me?  Sometimes?  Not good enough, though, was it.  Still feel like you're lost in yourself, don’t you.  That’s because what Mom gave you wasn’t good enough.  Yes.  Really, yes.  All of the “yeah but”s won’t change that really sad piece of truth my little man.  You don’t have to understand fully now, but at least listen, ok?  Do you feel happy now?  Maybe?  Hm, we’ll work on that. How, well that’s something we’ll both be learning about on our journey.  Hey, hey now, learning isn’t all bad.  You like video games don’t you?  And why, because they’re fun, especially when you get pretty good at them, right?  Well what we’re doing is a little like that, we’re learning how to get better at living, that way it can be more fun – the more we play (live), the better we get!  Still not enthused, huh?  Hm, another thing to work on I suppose...We'll come back to that.

Well, I also just wanted to let you know that I’m still here.  I’m still growing with you.  I’ve still got your hand here.  Look, I’ll hold it tight.  Let go?  Never.  We’re in this together, you and me.  I want you to trust me.  Trust that I’ve got what’s best for you, what’s best for us in mind.  That seems like a lot of hot air, I know, but you weren’t, how should I say this, nurtured correctly.  What’s that mean?  Oh, well it means that you were hurt real bad and didn’t heal properly.  Heh, no sir, it’s not something you can see on your skin, but you can feel it, right here.  Yep, in your heart, and here, in your mind. 

I can see that you were hurt real bad for a long time.  I’m working to make that right.  Oh, it’s ok, you can cry, I see your big brown eyes tearing up.  You haven’t done that enough.  It’s ok to cry you know.  Yeah, it is.  I can see by that surprised look that was never taught to you.  Hey, know what else, you can disagree if you want.  AND have your own thoughts and opinions!  I know, you don’t know what to think unless someone tells you, but that’s what you and I are making this journey for.  We’re going to teach ourselves how to think.  Well, it may sound boring to you, but it’s very important, and, well you trust me don’t you?  Good, I promise this will help us both. 

Maybe when you feel up to it, you can tell me a little bit about what it was like for you, being so young and treated the way you were.  I know you don’t get it really, but that’s why I’m here.  You learn from me, and I can learn from you.  Of course, I can learn from you!  You have a lot you can teach my man!  So as we hold hands here, we don’t have to talk, or anything just yet, you just be comfortable, be you, and we’ll see where that goes ok?

Remember:
I love you.
I am here for you.
You don’t have to hurt anymore.

Your Big Me.

9 comments:

  1. I imagine you saying these things to DS...not because DS is living the same way you did, but because he's so much like you. He even looks just like baby LSV, so it's kind of like you're talking to him.

    I'm glad that we are breaking the cycle for our babies.

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    1. Indeed, I imagined that little man when I was writing this.

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  2. Got a little teary eyed reading this. Happy for both of your "me"s :)

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  3. I laughed, and got teary, and wanted to hug you both. I wished I'd been able to write to my little me like that. All my writing skill, and I was never able to write a letter that expressed it all so well. Thank you so much for sharing it. I am so excited for the adventure you're sharing.

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  4. I cried too. Thanks for the sharing and thanks for the teaching. x

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  5. Wishing that someone had written me that letter. I don't cry easily and I intellectualize everything and emotions are just plain tough. Thank you for sharing this letter. Tears are in my eyes too.

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    1. As I wrote in the following post, I factualized everything - it was easier for me to understand my life as I did it that way. Emotions were too tough and I wasn't prepared to teach myself how to do emotions until recently. It's like watching a monkey use tools for the first time!

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    2. Teen years are when most people try out their emotions. Doing the teen years later is a bit of a pain. Cool thing is that when I get it right it feels so good. My kids are awesome for helping me learn what things feel like. I also learned that some times I feel something but don't have a name to go with the feeling. I am noticing that the more I feel the easier it is. My counselor still gets frustrated when I tell him intellectually what I think rather than what I feel. This week upsi's post helped me recognize shame for not being what other people expect. I had called it irritaion. I learn a lot from othe people posts, yours included. I think you are doing awesome.

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  6. Upsi, Judy, Nyssa- thank you for your comments. If nothing else, I hope to get through to myself, but I'll be honest, it feels good to know that I've helped maybe a few others on my journey. I'm sure I'll be writing to Little Me again.

    Thank you again. :-)

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