It has come to my attention that my emotional Richter scale has not registered a whole lot of emotions on the whole, for much of my early life, which continued into the present. Specifically, my lack of emotional response to criticism (other than intermittent bouts of rage in the last 3 years) and praise. Registered tics are small hills up and down from the baseline, but a mountainous tic, there isn't.
I think to compensate for the lack of emotion, whether it resulted from lack of proper development and teaching, or from a manual block that I put in place to help me survive, I see my life not as emotional milestones (well not until recently) but as a series of events, facts, like they came from a history textbook, and not from a soulful human being.
I think that's why I can simply say, oh yes, my mother had a decade long affair and destroyed our family, without blinking so much as an eyelash. I do however, think that's a problem, which is why that's something I'm working on. It helps me to understand my life if I put it into a history text-like format and perhaps that's a result of something I did to myself or something else. Time will tell I suppose.
I do have emotional responses though, especially when it comes to my kids, and lately, my wife - which is a good thing. I've always known when I was growing up, and I've said this before, that I've felt a little out of place when it came to reactions, which is why I watched TV and played video games. I was able to simultaneously escape the unfamiliar world by engaging in a fantasy, and I also got to observe emotional scenes and characters' reactions. That way, I would be able to react how I thought I was supposed to, basically I would be guessing. I'm not sure how that worked because I can't remember much of the day to day stuff growing up.
I did want to take the easy way out too - what if there was something misfiring up in that big ole head of mine? I looked into hypnotherapy a bit, but nothing too in-depth, in the hopes that my hypno-state would reveal something in my past that would make me go "oh THAT's why". I also thought I should get some kind of brain scan thinking that a neurological problem would be the answer to my mal/dys/dis-functions. I'm slowly finding it's not that easy. Change is work and work is change.
I wrote the letter to Little Me with my son in mind, because in looking exactly like me, he probably acted similarly to me as a lad too and I have the chance to reverse the effects of being raised in a dysfunctional world.