Is it contradictory for me to say that I don't care about my FOO but at the same time care about my behaviors and how I need to change them because of how I was raised?
On the one hand, it really is easier for me to cut out my FOO while not putting any stock into what they say/gossip - that way, what they spew shouldn't hurt...right? On the other hand, I have to "care" insofar as I have to be aware of their attacks, who they are, how they behave, and extrapolate that to other people, in the hope that I won't fall for similar tricks.
If I stop "caring" -- I don't know what other word to use here! -- or don't "care" about them, then they really are shut out, aren't they?
Mourn the loss of the dream of having a mother that nurtured Little Me as she should have. I think that's coming in bits and pieces, like the dream I just wrote about. Or when I looked down at my son and said, holy shit, that's me, I have the chance to raise "me" as I should have been raised. So no, I don't really want to mourn the loss of a dream because I'm not sure that will get me anywhere. Though, I've never really mourned for anything...ever. Or grieve. So I'm not sure what that's really like. "Hey, I'm real sad for 5 months. Dang." See? No idea.
Do I have to get angry with my FOO for their deceit, their gossip, their behavior? Perhaps, but this goes back to how much they actually matter. Perhaps it's that my FOO never really mattered to me so why should what they say or have said mean anything? Am I just letting this go too easily? Should I have a fire burning under my butt because of everything they are? My wife says it's about passion. I still don't understand, why, if they truly don't matter, should I be angry with them? Especially when they're now...just nothings.
Nothing doesn't matter right? Nothing only matters when the Something that is supposed to replace Nothing isn't there. So then, is Something missing? Well no, Something (true love and caring for a child, me) was never there to begin with so it was always Nothing.
I think it's important for me to understand my behaviors, and part of that has to do with where I came from. But that's also why I'm in therapy, to understand myself, to root out the causes of my behaviors and modify them, and in doing so, alter my mental paths. And I've always taken the path of least resistance, but not when it came to choosing a spouse, so that in and of itself, must mean something!
So I need to make Something from the Nothing from which I came. No wonder why I never really thought before...I don't make any sense!