Wednesday, December 14, 2011

A Conversation With Myself

Is it contradictory for me to say that I don't care about my FOO but at the same time care about my behaviors and how I need to change them because of how I was raised?

On the one hand, it really is easier for me to cut out my FOO while not putting any stock into what they say/gossip - that way, what they spew shouldn't hurt...right?  On the other hand, I have to "care" insofar as I have to be aware of their attacks, who they are, how they behave, and extrapolate that to other people, in the hope that I won't fall for similar tricks.

If I stop "caring" -- I don't know what other word to use here! -- or don't "care" about them, then they really are shut out, aren't they? 

Mourn the loss of the dream of having a mother that nurtured Little Me as she should have.  I think that's coming in bits and pieces, like the dream I just wrote about.  Or when I looked down at my son and said, holy shit, that's me, I have the chance to raise "me" as I should have been raised.  So no, I don't really want to mourn the loss of a dream because I'm not sure that will get me anywhere.  Though, I've never really mourned for anything...ever.  Or grieve.  So I'm not sure what that's really like.  "Hey, I'm real sad for 5 months. Dang."  See?  No idea.

Do I have to get angry with my FOO for their deceit, their gossip, their behavior?  Perhaps, but this goes back to how much they actually matter.  Perhaps it's that my FOO never really mattered to me so why should what they say or have said mean anything?  Am I just letting this go too easily?  Should I have a fire burning under my butt because of everything they are?  My wife says it's about passion.  I still don't understand, why, if they truly don't matter, should I be angry with them?  Especially when they're now...just nothings. 

Nothing doesn't matter right?  Nothing only matters when the Something that is supposed to replace Nothing isn't there.  So then, is Something missing?  Well no, Something (true love and caring for a child, me) was never there to begin with so it was always Nothing. 

I think it's important for me to understand my behaviors, and part of that has to do with where I came from.  But that's also why I'm in therapy, to understand myself, to root out the causes of my behaviors and modify them, and in doing so, alter my mental paths.  And I've always taken the path of least resistance, but not when it came to choosing a spouse, so that in and of itself, must mean something!

So I need to make Something from the Nothing from which I came.  No wonder why I never really thought before...I don't make any sense!

7 comments:

  1. Actually, it does make sense.

    I used my anger to keep me from sliding back into old habits, to remind myself that it really was as bad as I thought. Now, I'm not angry as much. I haven't raged in a long time. They don't matter, so why sweat it? That being said, the question begs to be asked: Is there truly no anger, or is it buried so deep it's hidden. That isn't to say it is, just saying it needs to be ruled out. There's also the consideration that men and women process emotions differently.

    Only you can decide how you feel and what you believe.

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  2. I think a lot of us feel like this, but like you, we can't put our fingers on it. Sometimes we think we're indifferent, cold, or callous, but in reality we're just numb. Eventually the feeling of the situation will return to us.

    At some point in our lives we can't blame our parents anymore, no matter how terrible they were. I know this sounds hokey, but I've believe that true peace lies in forgiveness, not indifference.

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  3. Maybe you are not talking to people that have lived with a narcissistic. It makes total sense to me. You appear to be at the stage of questioning everything, especially yourself. You have the key to all the answers but they won't come all at once. If you would like a different word than caring, how about aware. I'll give you an example from my life. I am aware that my mother makes every holiday all about her. I am aware that I do not want or need to do the same to my children. Now I shake my head over her antics and plan carefully how I can make holidays a happy family sharing time. Lack of anger may be a sign that you have let go of the hurt,fear and pain that generate the anger. Or you never embraced the fear, hurt, and pain. Either way, if you are in therapy now and are aware that you have an opportunity to give your children a different childhood then you had, you are miles a head of most people. Your courage is amazing. The questions will be resolved and you will become what your heart desire leads you to. You are already making a difference.

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  4. Good questions.
    To be honest, I don't think your mental paths need much changing. You seem structurally sound to me. It's your story. You don't have to feel anything you don't feel. You don't have to not feel anything you do feel.
    Fuck the haters and be on your merry way.

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  5. It's a process, I'm proud of you for working through it. Fuck the haters is right, Lisa!

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  6. The problem is: I don't know whether the anger is buried so deep it seems like there is none, or if there truly is no anger and I am, as the title notes, indifferent to my parents.

    And Lisa -- really you think when I said this, "Nothing doesn't matter right? Nothing only matters when the Something that is supposed to replace Nothing isn't there. So then, is Something missing? Well no, Something (true love and caring for a child, me) was never there to begin with so it was always Nothing." is structurally sound?? Were you even reading my post??? Hahaha, I jest, also I thank you for affirming my mental solidarity.

    And thanks to all of you who attempt to help me relearn to ride my emotional bike, so to speak.

    Take that structural soundness!

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  7. Yep, it's structurally sound genuine paradoxical reasoning! --quartz

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