Thursday, October 20, 2011

I felt It

I recently blew up at my wife in front of our two small children. I left immediately afterward because I couldn't be there.

I was standing in the front porch and thinking about what I had just done, I started to cry. I felt awful for what had just happened. I felt remorse. It was a wonderfully awful feeling, but I was feeling it. I did not push that feeling away. Instead I let myself be enveloped by it, I let it wash over me, and puddle at my feet. I thought about the look on my wife's face, I thought about the two small people behind me.

And I cried.

I went back into the house and apologized for screaming as I had to my children and kissed them on the forehead. I apologized to my wife for erupting as I did.

I have not had such a reaction to my own behavior like this in a very long time. I relish the fact that I can feel appropriately. My behaviors were out of line and I knew it. My eruption is a result of my unearthing deeply stagnant and stunted emotions. It will be a challenge for me to work with myself to right these wrongs, but I am so wonderfully satisfied that I was able to feel so appropriately awful.

But not completely satisfied - I want more feeling and I believe I'm working my way there.


  1. LSV,
    Yay! I mean, not really, but yeah I know what you mean! :)
    We really are conditioned from an early, tender age to feel nothing. It's easy at first to hide behing the towering wall of NUMB, and then we find that we're trapped behind it. As much as we don't want to freak out on the people around us, it's progress to feel anything, isn't it?
    Good for you for recognizing what you'd done and immediately making amends. This is the lesson that your children will take: my dad was human and he sometimes made mistakes that hurt me, but when he did he always came back and tried to make it right because I AM IMPORTANT to him as a person.

    This gives me goosebumps!

  2. So much for "lacking in empathy." Keep pullin' the strings together; you're doin' fine, IMO.

  3. Judy, I'm so embarrassed! I deleted your comment! I copied and pasted it here though. Oh dear me!!

    Judy said: I'm cheering for you! It's hard to feel all the messy emotions, but the best thing about what I've read here is you recognized you had behaved inappropriately; you walked away; you thought it through, and YOU APOLOGIZED! You didn't try to make it their fault. You didn't wallow in it, and become a martyr. You made several healthy choices. Go you!!!

    Vanci- You know, it was actually nice (if I can say that) that I was able to feel something, something appropriately for what I had done. My reaction to my awful behavior, like I said, hasn't happened for long as I can remember. I was in fact behind that wall of NUMB for what seems like ever, and though it's difficult to break down that barrier, AND it will be difficult to feel correctly from here on out, it needs to be done, and I want to be done more importantly. Thanks for reading!

    Anon- Indeed. I'd say I'm getting there, but I have a great deal of work for myself. Thanks for reading.

  4. Coming emotionally back to life gets easier over time. You are in for a wild ride but it is awesome. Sorry I am a little slow. Still trying to catch up with life.

  5. Ruth- I'm trying to understand I'm right there with ya.