Thursday, July 14, 2011

To My Face

A once dear friend of mine who has proven that he is not interested in my feelings or my needs sent an email to me today. It read:

Your mother sent me a facebook message asking how you and your family are doing. I haven't responded yet. I previously told you because you asked I would refrain from any real conversation with her; but if she did contact me that, out of courtesy, I would at least and say hello and wish her well.

I still do intend to say hello. Is there any message about you, [your wife] or the kids I can also pass along?

Ok, so I told this "friend" that I was not comfortable with him communicating with my mother. I told him this several ways and several times. I did not want him doing this and told him so...several ways, and several times. He replied that he would not intentionally seek out communication or contact with her, HOWEVER, if she reached out to him he would respond out of courtesy.

Can anyone else hear the sound of a friendship dying?

Yes, he is choosing to be courteous to an abusive mother rather than to accept his supposed best friend's requests. He has told me time, and time again that he cares about me and is my best friend. This is not a best friend. This is a person who does not care about me or my feelings. He is flat out disrespecting me to my face well, to my face via email. What a friend, huh?

I would like to respond to him with a simple, "It is apparent that we have nothing to discuss."

Is it worth it though?


  1. Oh! I see you already wrote about it!

    A couple comments: I'm so glad you are Seeing this. Three cheers!

    It is absolutely inappropriate for this so-called friend to be acting as the go-between here. He should be passing along no messages either from you OR about you to your NM. As you pointed out, he should not be communicating with her, period, not even to be "cordial."

    At the very least, we know that she is still trying to get to you through EVERY connection she still has (however few and far between they are now). Let her. When she sees that you won't bite, she'll abandon those methods because they aren't working.

    Be aware. If you don't respond to this "friend," or don't respond the way he expects you to, it will further his cause to be on your NM's side. Though he was already on her side, choosing not to respond to their tactics will just cement his position there.

    That is not your fault. Your "friend" has made his choice. It is clear that he continues to side with your NM, and that he feels it is somehow his DUTY to HER to inform her about you, your life, and your FOC.

    As Mulderfan says, "fuck 'em."

    As for sending the message to him, I personally think your silence will send an even clearer message.

  2. Clarification on that last point: Let the point that there is nothing to discuss stand on it's own STRONG not discussing it.

  3. Wait, I have more:

    This jerk can't even see that he is being USED. Your NM contacted him to ask about you. She did NOT contact him because she is interested in his life, well-being, or welfare. She's USING him as a means to get to you.

    Remember that this was the person you once believed to be intelligent.

    Another point: I read your letters to him. You asked that he not communicate with your NM on ANY LEVEL. He clearly threw that away by saying that you told him not to have any "real" conversations with her.

    That is not what you said. I read what you had to say. He, apparently, did not.

  4. Another note:

    She's getting antsy now.

    Her tactics are showing.

  5. My GC brother just sent some information to my cousin about my NP's upcoming move. Hearing these 2nd (3rd) hand tidbits always restarts the hamster wheel in my head. This is hard but if my cousin, who is the only FOO I have left, continues to pass this stuff along I will have to lay down some really strict ground rules. So far I just ignore the info and change the subject but that tactic is obviously not working. I have already clearly told him not to discuss my DD or me with the GC but have no way to monitor that.

    As for your "friend", even though you've already made things clear, he continues to act as a conduit between you and your abusers. I say dump him! He's a double agent who is sleeping with the enemy!

  6. Mulderfan: YES! He's totally a double agent! I'm so using that as his code name in my post!!

  7. If your mother is looking to stabilize her relationship with you and yours, contacting your "friend" over FB is a pretty shoddy strategy.

    I know you've asked her not to contact you, so it makes logical "sense" that she isn't just calling/emailing to ask how you are...but that doesn't address her prying for details out of your "friends." And his "offer" to pass along a message is absurd in this context - ha! Not that you'd want to waste your time explaining this to him, but of course you don't want him to be the go-between - HELLO, that is why your friendship is dying to begin with!!!

    There are undertones of judgment in his message - that YOU won't talk to her (bad!) but HE will (good!)'s none of his business, it's out of line for your mom to ask, and pretty much case closed on that front.

    After your dad's voicemail, which still leaves me wondering whether he has even read your letter, your mom shows herself to be a true-blue-drama-queen. She DID read your letter, and hasn't peeped one single peep about it. At least your dad has the balls to leave you voicemails (however indirect and narc-forget-gamey) - she wants to sneak around via triangles. Neither appear willing to address the issues you've raised, preferring dysfunction and avoidance to direct confrontation and attempted resolution.

    These games are so obvious.


  8. Obvious indeed Upsi.

    I believe my father did read my letter I sent him, but he's just not brining it up. He's too wrapped up in being right, being a child, throwing a tantrum, and not caring about his only biological child. I believe he's accepted his wife's children as more of his own than I ever was or could be. And here's the thing, I don't need him. While I hurt knowing that he and my mother never really wanted me or loved me, it's something that can only serve as a foundation to create a better life for myself and my own family.

    This "friend" of mine decided that he wasn't going to respect my feelings or needs and it is clear that he is willing to risk whatever friendship could have been salvaged when I first came to him about communicating with my mother. He says he cares, but he doesn't and I believe he needs to admit that to himself instead of pretending otherwise.

    I really don't like Facebook.


  9. Sometimes silence....DEAFENING silence is the best response. IMO, this is one of those times.....
    This is NOT a friend but an instigator stirring the pot behind a facade of disingenuous crap. Just a thought, FWIW: When we grow up in foos like this we tend to attract that which is familiar and what might have passed for "friendship" in the past may not meet the requirements of a healthier you. It seems you've outgrown this guy and his transparent childish games.
    You've had a rough couple of days, no? Sounds like momma is getting pretty desperate to keep the pressure on as much as possible. Maybe it's time to "unplug" and put it away for now, focus on relaxing, doing some things/activities you enjoy.

  10. Great comments. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this sick game of tag. My NM and EF both use it all the time. You don't need friends who accept being used by others. You're trying to break that habit, not re-enforce it. It's scary letting go of long-time friends, but there are friends out there waiting to be part of a healthy give-and-take relationship. It isn't easy. My new friends were hard won, but worth every effort. It meant making space in my life for them, and I couldn't do that until I was willing to re-arrange my priorities so I would have time for them.

    Honestly, I don't know what the right answer is for replying. "Do what you want." "Why are you asking me this?" Nothing at all.

  11. I agree Judy, really great comments!

  12. that's just weird. you know? if i had a friend, it'd be like...i'm THEIR friend. not their MOM'S friend for crying out loud. hahaha. since when were people your MOM'S friend? jesus. who wants to be friends with your MOM? jesus isn't that like, uncool or something anymore? don't these people know that? jesus hahaha.

    hahaha at the double agent! quite a character! sleeping with the enemy, ew!

  13. I have to agree with anon that in this case silence would speak volumes.

  14. If this were me, I would reply with a simple "nope" - nope, don't have a message to toss into the fire.

    In the parlance of the double agent, giving him the "common courtesy" of a response - and I'd leave it at that.

    But that's me - I also like the deadening silence.

    To me, the fact that he is even ASKING if you have a message registers as HE DOESN'T GET IT, DOESN'T WANT TO, DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT. He's the honey badger of fake friends.

    I'm cracking up at Lisa's comment - hahahaha exactly!


  15. "I believe he's accepted his wife's children as more of his own than I ever was or could be."

    Maybe because he can control them more? At least so far? Hopefully they will be getting a clue eventually. --quartz

  16. Quartz- my father's never had control of them. They actually walk all over my father and their mother. I believe he's accepted his step children as more of his own than I because that was easier for him. I wasn't in the picture so he didn't have to make an effort to actually be a good father to me.

    Lisa- my mom befriended pretty much all of my good friends. And now two of them have their loyalties with her and not me. Some friends they were. I believe my mother was not ready to be a mother, nor did she want to be that is why she wanted to befriend me, my friends, my sister and her friends.

    I have not replied to this once-friend. Silence will say it all methinks.

  17. I just found this blog. I have this same situation with a DA "friend" who insists on continuing his pseudo-friendship with my Nsister, whom he barely knows, despite knowing how she lies about me and the damage she has done in my life. I told him his engagement with her on any level was disloyal, and he countered with the same bullshit arguments as DH's DA. The EXACT same arguments.

    In the end, he chose his DA status with my Nsister, whom he has actually met twice, over his 30-year "friendship" with me. I am actually quite convinced that he, too, is an N. I suspect most DA's are.

    1. Anon, I hear what you're saying. I straight up told my once dear friend what I needed from him, that any engagement with my mother would mean betrayal on his part. He chose my mother and "common decency" over a 21 year friendship. Go figure huh? My once-dear friend has always held this "holier than thou" attitude along with his "I'm better than you" - which is the same thing? - I've just never said anything to him until recently. He responded in kind - that he is unwilling to change his ways because in doing so would ... I don't know, disrupt his Narc ways or something.

      Anyway, thanks for reading!

  18. I have just started following this blog. My husband and I both have narcissistic mothers. It is only recently that we've actually had a name for what they do and it's thanks to his therapist. Before that we were going crazy trying to figure their logic and thought that we were the ones who were in the wrong. Not so. Information on this blog shows me that we are not alone. I had figured a long time ago that the only way to manage my mum was to keep her at a distance but my husband is only learning this now. His uncle is taking on the role of your friend in this - trying to pass on messages and putting pressure on DH to get in touch. He cannot see that this is nothing to do with him and that he cannot be the one to decide the way forward. Very frustrating as DH is finding their relationship is suffering too. :-(