Wednesday, June 1, 2011

26th Anniversary of the Day of My Birth

My birthday is coming up this month and here are a few things I just mentioned to my wife that I would like:

Go to Home Depot/Lowes and buy up the first 4 things in the first, middle 2 and last aisles
OR
- Attachments for my Dremel Multi-tool
- An extension tube for my camera
- I like foods like chicken parm
- Help fixing the odds n ends that need fixing in the house
- Adult t-shirts/polos that actually fit me
- New grilling utensils!
- Love

This was sort of a joke list however, my wife pointed out that it speaks volumes.

I broke it down for myself:
  1. Tools: the desire to fix things, be it physical or emotional. I’ve always felt that I could be everyone’s shoulder to lean/cry on and never really allowed myself to lean/cry on someone’s shoulder – I mean how could I if I was the Fixer? I see now that it was I that needed fixing, and I am developing and obtaining the tools I need in order to repair that emotional damage.
  2. Food: I’ve long associated emotion with food. It was always there when I needed it. Always satisfied me when I needed satisfying. Always provided an alternate route for expressing myself in that I would dive into food instead of diving into myself to separate and analyze what I was feeling. I would use food as a pillow on which to fall, an escape from the horrors of “feeling”. Emotions became synonymous with food, and it’s safe to say that I was indeed eating everything I felt. I was an empty plate.
  3. Camera accessories: naturally this so I can See clearly and more accurately.
  4. Love: more specifically, the love I should have received from my parents but never did. This was most certainly a joke when I put this on the list, however, something in me – probably Little Me – told me to put this. I fear I will go through years of my life with this on my list before I remove it.

5 comments:

  1. I feel the interpretation of your wish list, but sometimes a list is just a list, too. :) I sometimes wonder if I go about finding meaning in things that don't really mean anything and beat myself up about 'em. It's a hard habbit to break, especially being used to taking the blame for everything throughout life...

    Happy birthday, though! It sounds like a good plan for the day is starting: shopping for some clothes, grab some dinner at a favorite italian restaurant, maybe fix some things in the morning...?

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  2. Oh wow! I am the DIY Queen. Never thought about why! My poor DH had to buy me a sander for Xmas one year! My cordless drill was the best present ever!

    Yeah and food. Which worked out really well because then the NPs could add "fat" to the list of put-downs.

    I long ago figured out why I rescued animals and taught special ed. Just wanted to love the unloved and get some back in return. I realize in retrospect my motives were a little self-seeking. And, yes, while the rest of the world admired my work, it gave the NPs more ammo.

    Hope you have a happy narc-free birthday with lots of REAL love and tools!

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  3. Happy Birthday!

    Good for you for having the courage to look inside. Being a fixer isn't a bad thing. It's only a problem when it's abused. Healthy boundaries will help with that, and you're building those... fixing those.

    I definitely recognize the food problem. It isn't like smoking or drinking where you can go cold turkey. You have to eat. But again, as you become healthier, it will improve.

    Sounds me like the camera is also something you do for fun. It would be easy to slip into punishing yourself regarding its use. Have fun!

    That last one is tough. I struggled for a long time over the realization that my NM did not love me and would never love me and that EF chose NM over me and was willing to sacrifice me to NM. It's difficult to release the illusion, but once that's done there's so much more room for the reality, and the reality is so much bigger. You are loved.

    It's a good list. I like Shaun's idea of including everything on the list, even if only in a small way.

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  4. I LOVE my Dremel multitool. I am so DIY that I even considered drilling my tooth with it when I couldn't find a good dentist :D. And I hear you on the food thing too.

    Happy birthday! Keep on Seeing!

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  5. Oh, and if you love multitools... have you ever seen the Gerber or leatherman multitools? Leatherman is more versatile, but Gerber is of a better quality. I love both. Maybe that would make a nice gift to yourself?

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