I decided, maybe at the beginning of this year, that my mother didn't want a child when she became pregnant with me. My father made it clear that they weren't ready for one. Add to that they weren't married when they conceived AND were pregnant with me when they finally did marry. I believe they married because they were pregnant and they believed (or at least one of them, I'm not certain who) that their child should grow up in a dual-parent household. I believe they decided to keep me and figured "well the kid's here, I guess we can love him...or at least try to".
And so they did. Try to love me I mean.
I think of this and become angry with them. I'd like to shout at the two youngster parents "stop fucking around and either be completely invested in this child or don't!" Or more simply "stop fucking around!", which umbrellas both the act of conceiving AND the emotional act they were putting on. That's the curse of retrospect though isn't it?
I think my mother ended up taking some of her frustrations at having a child without planning it out on me, her own child. I say this because she teased me quite a bit. One thing I remember quite clearly was that she used to call me "the dog faced boy" (see: the infamous character himself). We all laughed, my sister, my mother, and I, every time she said it. I think it made her feel better somehow, to put down this being that took away the control she had on her own life.
It also seems to me now, that she was attempting to be "friends" with her children and not a parent. It's because she didn't want to be a parent. She wanted to be an older friend to her kids. That made her feel better, to know that responsibility for these lives was not really on her shoulders. She couldn't handle it and quite frankly didn't want to handle it. And so how does she treat her friends? Teases them, of course. She made this clear when my wife and I announced our pregnancy to her. She requested to be called by her first name because "she was too young to be a grandma".
That's rich. But don't worry mother, you're not a grandma any more than you are a wife, a mother, or a friend.
Go fuck yourself for not being happy for me, for not loving me and not enriching my life with the love I needed and deserved.
Go fuck yourself for not respecting me or my family.
Go fuck yourself for pretending all my life that you were someone who cared about me.
Go fuck yourself for teaching me all of your deplorable habits to masquerade through life.
Just go fuck yourself.
And when you're done with that...