Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Not A Punching Bag

I decided, maybe at the beginning of this year, that my mother didn't want a child when she became pregnant with me. My father made it clear that they weren't ready for one. Add to that they weren't married when they conceived AND were pregnant with me when they finally did marry. I believe they married because they were pregnant and they believed (or at least one of them, I'm not certain who) that their child should grow up in a dual-parent household. I believe they decided to keep me and figured "well the kid's here, I guess we can love him...or at least try to".

And so they did. Try to love me I mean.

I think of this and become angry with them. I'd like to shout at the two youngster parents "stop fucking around and either be completely invested in this child or don't!" Or more simply "stop fucking around!", which umbrellas both the act of conceiving AND the emotional act they were putting on. That's the curse of retrospect though isn't it?

I think my mother ended up taking some of her frustrations at having a child without planning it out on me, her own child. I say this because she teased me quite a bit. One thing I remember quite clearly was that she used to call me "the dog faced boy" (see: the infamous character himself). We all laughed, my sister, my mother, and I, every time she said it. I think it made her feel better somehow, to put down this being that took away the control she had on her own life.

It also seems to me now, that she was attempting to be "friends" with her children and not a parent. It's because she didn't want to be a parent. She wanted to be an older friend to her kids. That made her feel better, to know that responsibility for these lives was not really on her shoulders. She couldn't handle it and quite frankly didn't want to handle it. And so how does she treat her friends? Teases them, of course. She made this clear when my wife and I announced our pregnancy to her. She requested to be called by her first name because "she was too young to be a grandma".

That's rich. But don't worry mother, you're not a grandma any more than you are a wife, a mother, or a friend.

Go fuck yourself for not being happy for me, for not loving me and not enriching my life with the love I needed and deserved.
Go fuck yourself for not respecting me or my family.
Go fuck yourself for pretending all my life that you were someone who cared about me.
Go fuck yourself for teaching me all of your deplorable habits to masquerade through life.

Just go fuck yourself.

And when you're done with that...

Fuck off.

19 comments:

  1. Oof. This is a one-two punch isn't it?

    I see some amazing insights here. You pointed out that your mother wanted to be your "friend" because she didn't want to bear the responsibility of being your mother. Take that one step further and you'll see that she wasn't even a fucking good friend.

    Friends don't lie to you. Friends don't make fun of you. Friends don't exploit you. Friends don't get angry with you when you figure out what makes you happy.

    Some friend she was. Some mother too.

    Fuck yourself, indeed, NMIL.

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  2. Holy shit - the thing I just had to type to post that comment was "Sibbil."

    Ever see the movie, "Sybil?" Uck, anyone who knows it probably gets a shiver whenever they hear that name.

    It's about this young girl who develops multiple personality disorder as a way to cope with her sexually/mentally/physically abusive mother.

    Coincidence? I think not!

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  3. Hahaha, I'm sorry I had to laugh at your "oof". Well not AT it, just that you wrote "oof".

    Damn straight it was an amazing insight. That's why I wrote it.

    :-)
    I See you Jones-Eye.

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  4. "Oof" I said that aloud. Like, "If that were me you said that to, I'd be like, oof."

    Always remember that it was their failure, not yours.

    XOXO

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  5. I fucking love this post! Spew it out. They screwed up...not you. They're dysfunctional...not you! They're emotional cripples...not you! By choosing to give birth to you they were obligated to love and support you but they fucked up...not you!

    This post reminds of the night I screamed, "I'm so fucking pissed off at being their god damn doormat!"

    This happened in my support group well over a year ago. There was stunned silence as a mixed group of drunks, addicts and gamblers stared as this sweet 60+, retired teacher spewed forth her rage.

    Then very quietly, one of my fellow drunks said, "Then get up off the fucking floor."

    The bullshit about me being an accident and the wrong sex still irks me. They had a "planned" child both before and after me so they had to have some idea how kids were conceived. Born a girl? Yeah, like that was totally my fault too...WTF?

    I have finally stopped taking their shit. They're still assholes but they seldom try to fuck with me anymore and, damn, it feels good!

    You rock, kiddo!

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  6. Mulderfan - That's some powerful stuff right there. You are really a tremendous person with some awesome inner strength.

    I'm glad you decided to pick yourself up off the floor, like your "fellow drunk" recommended. I'm glad you are so supportive of LSV. I have a feeling he's going to be needing it in the upcoming months, as his NM and EF pull out the fucking big guns.

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  7. yeah i know. its funny, my mom has the same attitude. 'oh lisa i always wanted us to get along like friends.' and by friend, she means a catty teasing belittling disrespectful immature bratty tamtrum throwing selfish person.

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  8. mulderfan- thank you for your support! While I was writing this post, I was getting angrier and angrier at my mother. A good sign! And I'll echo Jonsi's thoughts: you are an awesome person with tremendous inner strength (not unlike many people in this community) and I'm thankful to have found such a supportive group.
    We shall "get up off the fucking floor indeed"!

    lisa- "well mom, we can't get along like friends...BECAUSE YOU'RE MOY MOTHER". I think something like that is in order here. My mother, the person who gave birth to me, wanted to be my friend because she didn't want the responsibility of someone else's life on her shoulders. Garbage.

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  9. I'm glad to see your anger. Anger means you feel violated - that's a good sign, LSV, as your indifference (which protects you from facing the real feelings buried so deep) dissolves, your strong feelings will continue to emerge. Rage is good - it tells us to protect ourselves.

    Great post,
    upsi

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  10. LSV, keep fighting for you!!

    I can such a mouse. But that name calling thing, it says nothing about you and a lot about them.

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  11. Judy- The name calling thing was totally normal in our family for years. At least, I thought it was normal. Then I met my wife and her family and everything I knew was basically a dysfunctional mess.

    Upsi- Only problem with rage is that it's hard to control and I already have issues with anger...in the basically I don't know how to get angry properly. I either bury it or bottle it up...or put it in the wrong place.

    lifesizevision

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  12. For years, I was so afraid to get angry because I didn't want to be a raving lunatic like my NF. Now, I understand it is a perfectly normal reaction in some situations and can be expressed in a healthy way.

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  13. Some healthy ways to deal with anger:

    1. Punching a pillow or something soft and unbreakable (not recommended in front of children)
    2. Going for a walk, removing oneself from the stress that may be causing the anger
    3. Exercise, in general, provides a great outlet for stress/anger relief, not just in the heat of the moment
    4. Going to an area where you won't be heard and screaming/yelling loudly
    5. Discussion - get to the bottom of what is making you angry and solve the problem at it's root

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  14. I'll go for a walk, whilst punching my pillow,in an area where I can't be heard, whilst talking to my pillow.

    :-)

    lifesizevision

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  15. "I'll go for a walk, whilst punching my pillow,in an area where I can't be heard, whilst talking to my pillow."

    OK, that's got me laughing! Sounds just right!-- quartz

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  16. My NM didn't let my children call her Grandma either. She so missed something really important. Then she complained later that I made my kids dislike her. Are you kidding? She pulled that one off herself. My kids saw through her before I did.

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  17. "She wanted to be an older friend to her kids. That made her feel better, to know that responsibility for these lives was not really on her shoulders. She couldn't handle it and quite frankly didn't want to handle it..."

    Wow. You just pinpointed why I resented my mother for the same thing. My friends would say, "But your mother is so cool, she's like a big sister" and I would say, "I don't want a big sister, I want a MOTHER" but even so I couldn't adequately explain why it bothered me. She was also very uninvolved and seemed to resent having children. She told me more than once while I was growing up that I shouldn't have kids so I would have an easier life than her. It all makes sense now.

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  18. I'm new here, having just followed Kiki's link to your blog. I am floored by how similar our stories are. My own NM never ceased to tell me how I was a "condom baby" that she and her husband never really planned for. Yes, she told me time and again in excruciating detail how my father's condom broke when they had "wild sex" one morning, how my father refused to believe for months that the baby in her womb was his, how horrid were they subsequent fights, how grudging was his admission of paternity when I finally appeared in the delivery room looking like a mini-version of himself. How she never stopped to remind me that she only wanted two children (my older NS and older NB/GC), how difficult life had become after my birth, and how eventually my father skipped because he couldn't take the pressure anymore. Imagine, before I even went to kindergarten, I knew what condoms were and how the failure of one such condom caused me to exist, resulting in hardship for all of my family.

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  19. Anonymous, I grew up with a similar story, except in mine they got drunk and forgot to use a condom. Then to add insult to injury, I had the nerve to be born a girl, which kinda turned out OK because it gave them a free live-in housekeeper, laundress, cook, nanny...just substitute slave and you have the right idea.

    What a burden to place on an innocent kid, holding us responsible for their "mistake." Takes a really twisted mind to be that cruel.

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