Thursday, May 19, 2011

Gargantuan Slap

One of my best friends - or so I thought - is getting married this year. I just recently received the invite to their wedding. I wouldn't be writing anything were this only a case of, friend sends other friend proper invite to wedding....


It was about a year ago when the chaos began. My wife began her first blog and there she was expressing herself about a great many things.  One of frustrations she was expressing was about Save the Date cards for weddings. My friend and his fiancé just sent theirs out to their guests and my wife and I received one. This spurred her into writing a post about Save the Date cards in general.

I made the mistake of letting my friend see the blog and ... cue narc spewage.

My wife has a wonderful analysis of the interaction between my friend's fiancé and I. I can tell you that my responses are far from anything good, but what's also important are her reactions to my wife's opinions about cards in general.

Add to that, when my wife expressed that she didn't want photos or videos taken of her and posted without her consent, my friend's fiancé reeled. She felt that in our coming to the wedding we were effectively giving our permission for photos to be taken of us, and for them to be posted. Yep, just by going we're consenting to friend's fiancé’s demands. Previously she had posted information about my family, and a picture of me on their wedding website without permission.


Ok, so I get the invitation in the mail and ... it is addressed only to me. Not to both of us. Just to me. My wife was not invited.

I saw immediately that friend's fiancé was intentionally disrespecting me, my wife, and her fiancé’s friendship with me. I sent an email to her:

Friend & Friend's Fiancé,
I received your invitation to the wedding.
I saw that it was addressed only to me and not to my wife.
[Friend's Fiancé], for someone purporting to follow common standards of decency, this is the rudest way to proceed.
Friend, I'm very disappointed and hurt by this.
I am insulted and offended and I will not allow me or my wife to be treated in such a way.
My wife was not included in the invite, I will not be attending the wedding.

Response from friend's fiancé:
I am sorry that you feel so hurt by this. Please do not blame this on Friend or take it out on him; it was a decision i made, and he does not deserve to be hurt by it. The decision was made because of your wife's negative feelings towards our save the date, as well as many of the hurtful and derogatory comments made towards me and about me in the time that followed. I didn't particularly feel that i was obligated to invite someone to my wedding who clearly did not wish me the best on a very special day. It was also made to avoid the issue of photography that was sure to arise if [your wife] were to attend. Honestly, I can't understand why you would be upset about this as it was done to protect [your wife's] privacy, since there will surely be videos and pictures being taken at the wedding. We wanted to protect her privacy, and judging by her blog entries from the save the date, it didn't seem that she would be interested in attending. Also, Friend did inform you approximately 8 months ago that she would not be invited, so this should come as no surprise.

I am sorry that you will not be attending, however, i cannot say i am surprised. But if you truly care about Friend, you will understand that he had nothing to do with this and you won't hold a grudge against him.

I love Friend, very much, and the last thing i ever want in this entire world is to hurt him. If you feel the same, you will act accordingly. Don't contact me again if you wish to insult me.

So there it is: it was her decision that she intentionally left out my wife because of what she perceived as personal threats and attacks. The flit has been shung.

Narc much?

I sent a follow up email to my friend only basically to reach out to him and say "dude, did you really sanction this behavior? That hurt and it's messed up". He told me that he did indeed know about it. I wasn't totally surprised though: he is super-passive, and a pushover.  Probably what drew me to him in the first place.  He wants everyone to be happy and prefers never to go against the grain. So it's no surprise when his wife, a super-controlling inconsiderate, arrogant woman says to do something or feel something, he'll do it.  Can’t say I’m much different though.

I am sad about what happened with my friend here, but they are a package deal and here's what I think is happening: she tells him to feel/do and he does. He apologized for me being hurt, but he didn't apologize for the behavior. Not surprising: that's what his fiancé did too. He also maintained that I was one of his closest friends and he cares about me.

I am not so sure.


  1. There are friends who fit into our lives for a period of time, but start to not-fit. The guy who was my man-of-honor was a really close friend for a long time, but the "me" during that time wasn't the "me" I really want to be. I allowed myself to be more judgmental (the petty, self-aggrandizing kind), more elitist, more narcissistic! And when I started pushing back, moving in the other direction, challenging his assholishness (to summarize briefly *wink*), it all became a big farce of a friendship.

    The last time we saw him, he was visiting Chicago with his new boyfriend (long story) and came up to our apartment with a couple other friends. He was bragging about being a vegetarian now (also too long a story) and DH made some joke about how he's just doing it for image, and he got so offended. So fucking offended! His new bf was like, "I'm not just going to sit here and let you insult my boyfriend like this!" and DH was like, then get the fuck out. A few hundred text-characters later, and the truth was clear: this person was no friend.

    She doesn't care about you, LSV. She may tell herself she does, but her actions tell us what we need to know. She'd rather play her cards rudely and risk losing your friendship than follow standard manners and give up a little power play she could have had over your wife. And she gave this shit a lot of thought.


    And if there was a chance to make things right in this faux-friendship, she just used it up.

    you've crossed the rubicon.


  2. It's obv all your wife's fault. I mean, we're protecting her PRIVACY, you see! Us. As in Friend and I. We're just doing what's best for your wife. What she asked of us. You should be THANKING us for not inviting her so things wouldn't be so awkward at our wedding.

    Yeah. That...woman...

    Some catch.

  3. Nasty narc bitch! I pity her victim (your friend) or perhaps the deserve each other!

  4. In the last ten years, I have almost completely "traded out" my friends. The old relationships didn't work anymore because I refused to continue to be the general dumping ground and/or doormat. I was worried, at first, because it seemed like I had no friends. Now, what an incredible circle of friends with which I've been blessed! I have more friends now than ever before in my life, but first I had to let go of the past. Sadly, as much as you would like to help your friend, he has to make his own choices.

  5. After leaving college I had three what I thought were best friends. I thought I would have them until forever, I mean I was 21 and how much more could I change right??

    It's just difficult to accept the fact that I had been holding onto something that wasn't meant to be held.


  6. "holding onto something that wasn't meant to be held"

    Don't feel bad, most of us have done that with our NPs. In my case, for 65 years!

    The grip of "conditioning" is tough to break, so don't be too hard on yourself.

    Smile: verification word=dingshat!

  7. wow. yeah. i'm going through a similar cleanse i guess. i'm starting to trade out all of my friends. even though they all seemed so nice and great before...and i really did hold onto them and value them..i'm starting to notice attitudes they have that really really bother me. they just don't cut it for me anymore. it's sad and angering in some ways, what bullshit i put up with and idealized. now i realize its just bullshit and i didn't need to be treated that way.
    i see a lot of saying goodbye in my near future...

    hopefully i will be able to make new friends!

  8. Sorry, didn't like my old comment.