Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Trapped

I feel trapped.
I am stuck in a shell of myself but it's not like I'm even banging on the walls to be let free. It's like I've placated myself so much that I've just come to accept this fact: that I am trapped.  Oh well, life goes on.  Whatever.

I am a chameleon of the human race when it comes to emotion. I can pass for a narcissist. I can pass for a sociopath. I can pass for someone who wants something better for himself and for his family, and makes it look like he’s taking steps to find that something. Consequences mean nothing to me, but I want them to. I must not want that bad enough however because I still lie. To everyone. About anything.  About everything.

I cannot have my children be exposed to this kind of behavior; however it's become second nature to me. I do without thinking.  Without any kind of thinking. At all. I define myself based on what other people need of me so I have not developed a sense of self. I live through characters in movies, in an attempt to experience real emotion, or at least visualize what emotions look like and reactions to it. It's like I'm studying, researching people because I've never been able to research myself. Those most important to me, my family are suffering most and I cannot have this anymore. This type of behavior is not that of a good and healthy husband, nor a good and healthy father. I will not allow my family to suffer any longer but I am not certain when my journey will start. Perhaps it has started already.

I am in a state of severe denial with a reality so altered I cannot be certain what is in fact, real. One thing I know is real: my love and devotion to my children. And that leads me to believe that somewhere in my broken self is a spark of genuine good, an ember of light that yearns to grow into a good and healthy glow. I want that glow.

And...maybe someday my family of choice will forgive me for not being the man I should have been, and needed to be.

I love you wife. I love you daughter. I love you son. Forgive me. Please.

2 comments:

  1. You sound like a warm, loving human being to me. Maybe dysfunctional people have forced you to bury your goodness as a form of self-preservation but it is still there. Once you break free of their stifling presence you'll be able to blossom and grow into the person you long to be.

    Good luck on your journey!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you, I'm going to need it!

    My wife says constantly that I'm not a bad person, I just can't help thinking that I sort of am given a lot of my behaviors...

    ReplyDelete