Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Fruitloop

I just recently called my mother that. I am sure there are other, much more descriptive and certainly vulgar terms, but this word helps make what she is easier to swallow...for now.

My mother has made it clear of her intentions for me and my life, and how she feels about my choices: my marriage, my wife, my kids. During the wedding shower in early 2010, my mother came up to me and in a hushed voice said "you know, I don't even feel like you're proud that I'm your mother".

Ok, she said this because I wasn't paying enough attention to her during the shower. The reason I wasn't paying enough attention to her was because...wait for it...I was working behind the scenes to bring people their drinks, make sure the food was ready and there was enough of it, cleaning up tables, garbage, etc. The shower was held at my mother in law's house and she made it look outstanding. I wanted to help so I was working behind the scenes while the womenfolk enjoyed the meal and the nice weather.

I responded to her "proud" statement with a simple, "what are you talking about?" and then continued with my duties. I knew then that was fruitloopy. I know now that she was attempting to make the wedding shower about HER. Grade A, Certified Fruitloop. I didn't get angry with her then, but the more my wife and I talk about it, the angrier I feel - with my mother. How can she possibly make a wedding shower for my fiancé be about her?

On our wedding day, my wife and I enjoyed the company of our closest family and friends. Generally, gifts are given to both the bride and the groom on this day. Well, my mother gave us both a card, then gave me a card addressed ONLY TO ME. I thought this strange at the time, but I wasn't quite Awake enough to see that there was a massive undermining scheme occurring here.

My wife and I opened the card after the wedding and the card read something like this:
Gram said you were born under a star and I hope someday you'll see that. [Wife] and [daughter] are lucky to have you. Someday I hope we can go back to the relationship we had before.

Unfortunately, we didn't save the card but these sentences we can both remember almost ver batim. There was other fluff stuffed in there but the message was clear (to my wife then, to me now more than ever) -- that I am too good for my family of choice; that my choices are unsatisfactory to my mother and she wants to go back when she had all the control and a doormat for a son; and that I am not good enough for my family of origin because I'm not doing what they want.

There is all kinds of hatred, manipulation, conniving, contradictory, disgustingness up in there.

There are other stories which I will write about but I think I can see those clearer than I have ever before as examples of what my mother is: a manipulative, nasty human being that works all situations to suit her. If she is not getting what she wants then she will make sure others around her know it – many times subtly, and she will attempt to prevent others from getting what they want as well - even if it's a genuine love of another person.

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