Every time an intense emotional situation rears its head, I run to the fridge, or the pantry. Or just away. Obviously, food was a comfort for me growing up and I've developed some kind of sick love affair with it. Couple that with another sick love affair with television and movies. Sick because I would watch movies and shows to get an understanding of how emotions worked. I thought these characters were showing me the proper ways in which to react to emotions, situations, to other people. I ended up investing whatever I had of myself into shows and movies hoping that I could feel or at least kind of feel, attempt to feel, and eventually fake feeling what these people on the screen felt. There leads a path to absolute destruction.
My wife and I got to discussing last night. I felt I had a problem from an early age: I have a memory where I was investigating my kitten's anus, promptly stuck my finger up there and then it gets hazy. For a long while I thought I had tossed the kitten down the stairs, and I'm still pretty sure I did but I don't actually remember the throwing part. I have this strange sense that I did. I don't remember being scolded for this action either - but I guess that doesn't mean that I wasn't. I was about three at the time.
I went to a day care until I was nearly 10 while my mother worked and my step father worked. There I would find worms and chop them in half because I heard that both ends would grow back and it would be two worms. I don't think I ever found out then if the two pieces grew into two whole worms. Today, I know that I'd killed those experimental earthworms by cutting them in two. Curious? Inquisitive? Malicious? Jury’s out.
A few years after that, a childhood friend and I would catch frogs in the brook near his house. We'd place the frogs into aluminum soda cans, tennis ball cans,
A few years following, I was doing some landscaping work at an office and I saw a fawn in the woods in the back yard. I threw a rock at it. It was a mixture of aiming to hit it, and to scare it. To this day, I can't conjure up the precise reason as to why I did this. And I was an early teen at this point.
I guess those stories illustrate my theory that I had some emotional instability, even at an early age, and it continued on upwards to adolescence and my teens. My wife thinks that's just what some children do, but she didn't think that I was evil. I think it's what some people do that have deep-seated emotional anarchy.
There were a lot of topics I touched on in this post. I believe I will come back to them time and time again. I have to come back to them - this is how I will reconcile the Little Me with the Big Me.
Someday soon I hope.