My wife and I were discussing past relationships recently and I discovered a very disturbing and deep emotional problem: I forced myself into relationships that should never have been. Allow me to elaborate...
I believe I was in high school at the time of this incident. Truthfully, I can't remember and that in itself is another problem. Some friends of mine at the time and I went a house party where we drank ourselves silly. I told the group I arrived with that I would be staying over the host's house and what ensued something like a one night stand (although I don't know why it's called a one night stand, there's hardly standing involved...). The morning after, the host had to drive me home. In other circumstances, that car ride should have been the most awkward...ever...in the history of awkward and uncomfortable situations. Not me. I was all, "football! weather! what's good here!". Why? Because I thought I needed to be in a relationship with this female. I thought that's what I was supposed to do. I can't put my finger on WHY I felt this way however. For a few weeks following I attempted to court her, but it was a miserable failure. I remember looking at her one time she actually accepted an invitation to see me: Her eyes barely blinked and her face was nothing short of expressionless. I'm not sure if I realized it then, but now looking back I do: I was NOT supposed to see her after that party.
I met a girl at a bar in college - I know, these stories never end up well. I cannot recall if we ended up leaving together and spending the night together or not, and I can't even speculate a guess. For weeks following I attempted to court her, but I didn't know WHY I was doing it. I didn't want to be in a relationship with her, but I felt like because of whatever interactions we had at the bar and after, I was supposed to persue a relationship with her. She was into it, I pretended like I was.
Now, this brings to light a disturbing mindstate I had: that I felt like I was supposed to pursue and court these girls because....I had an obligation to? I wasn't taught what it was to have healthy relationships? Both? Something else? This is something I'm going to attempt to answer in my quest for something other than Catastrophic Indifference, because I am sure now, that played a major part in why I behaved the way I did.
Still looking for clues...