Monday, April 18, 2011

Forced

My wife and I were discussing past relationships recently and I discovered a very disturbing and deep emotional problem: I forced myself into relationships that should never have been. Allow me to elaborate...

Situation 1:
I believe I was in high school at the time of this incident. Truthfully, I can't remember and that in itself is another problem. Some friends of mine at the time and I went a house party where we drank ourselves silly. I told the group I arrived with that I would be staying over the host's house and what ensued something like a one night stand (although I don't know why it's called a one night stand, there's hardly standing involved...). The morning after, the host had to drive me home. In other circumstances, that car ride should have been the most awkward...ever...in the history of awkward and uncomfortable situations. Not me. I was all, "football! weather! what's good here!". Why? Because I thought I needed to be in a relationship with this female. I thought that's what I was supposed to do. I can't put my finger on WHY I felt this way however. For a few weeks following I attempted to court her, but it was a miserable failure. I remember looking at her one time she actually accepted an invitation to see me: Her eyes barely blinked and her face was nothing short of expressionless. I'm not sure if I realized it then, but now looking back I do: I was NOT supposed to see her after that party.

Situation 2:
I met a girl at a bar in college - I know, these stories never end up well. I cannot recall if we ended up leaving together and spending the night together or not, and I can't even speculate a guess. For weeks following I attempted to court her, but I didn't know WHY I was doing it. I didn't want to be in a relationship with her, but I felt like because of whatever interactions we had at the bar and after, I was supposed to persue a relationship with her. She was into it, I pretended like I was.

Now, this brings to light a disturbing mindstate I had: that I felt like I was supposed to pursue and court these girls because....I had an obligation to? I wasn't taught what it was to have healthy relationships? Both? Something else? This is something I'm going to attempt to answer in my quest for something other than Catastrophic Indifference, because I am sure now, that played a major part in why I behaved the way I did.

Still looking for clues...

3 comments:

  1. My reaction to these stories is that you felt you owed something for "taking" something. I think it says something good about you as a young man at the time - it wasn't in your nature to wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am in the parlance of our times.

    To think more deeply into it, you experienced relationships with women (mother, sister) as an exchange of what you can do for them in order to be loved. Loved for what you do, not who you are. So when you found yourself in these situations with women, you felt you must DO. That if you took, you had to "pay" or "do" something to give her more. almost blindly out of habit. With girl 1, obviously it was for the better that it all fizzled. With girl 2, perhaps you felt that whatever went on between you that hazy night put you on the hook - I'd wager it's that simple.

    It isn't absurd at all from the logic of little LSV and what he learned from those in his environment.

    I will keep looking for clues.
    upsi

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  2. Upsi- I was indeed searchign for something, feeling like I was supposed to foster some kind of relationship with these people. My wife mentioned that I had so many relationships with females becuase I was trying to get somethign I didn't have: a relationship with my mother. Something was missing and in order to find out what, I would insert myself into all kinds of relationships. Alas, they never afforded me what I was looking for, until I found my wife.

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