Then this whopper occurs to me: could I really be doing the same thing to my children?
Another thing: I am a liar. I lie to
I'm ruining my marriage, and I'm certain I'll ruin my children. I want to be someone different, but somehow...I just can't do it. Or won’t do it. There are two parts to me: the someone who wants to be the good truth-begetting man; and the oh-well-whatever-lie away to placate everyone man. It's so difficult to break from the second man that, like I said, I'm ruining my marriage. I'm not sure there's even much to salvage with myself, but my wife doesn't deserve that. I am not good enough for her. I am not a worthy husband, even though I'd like to be. I have to force myself into thinking that maybe I am.
And we're back to the beginning, I'm a liar: I'm believing my own lies I tell myself. I've created a reality so distorted that I'm not sure which way is up. I can pass for a Narc. I can pass for a Sociopath. I can pass for a truth-seeker who will always be seeking and never finding. I can pass for anyone I want or need to be, like a chameleon of the human race.
Except, I genuinely care about my children. My wife and her parents who are the healthiest people I know can see that, so somewhere, somewhere in my black soul, or missing soul, there is a part of me that can be genuine. I'd like to bring that person out of the dark, but I don't know how and I fear that will be the end of everything that is or can be a healthy life for myself.
I don't know what it is to be motivated. I don't know what it is to want something so bad that a change needs to be made. I WANT to know that, but I don't have that now. I don't know what it is to be changed, and that is the straw that will break the camel's back I fear.