Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Allergic to Truth

Here's the thing: I'm not sure how I was treated as a youngster, all I know is the results of that treatment. I can't even say for sure that I actually fully understand that treatment
Then this whopper occurs to me: could I really be doing the same thing to my children?

Another thing: I am a liar. I lie to nearly everyone. I can't stop. It's become second nature to me. I know I'm doing it. I can hear myself doing it. In some cases, I even can think to myself, "dude, you are lying, why are you doing this, stop doing that", but then I separate my person from my voice. I'm like a disembodied soul and since I've got no soul, well, I can lie without consequence, and if it comes back to bite me in the rump, I'll either lie more at that time, or nearly concede defeat. It's like I'm allergic to truth and I can't figure out how that happened.

I'm ruining my marriage, and I'm certain I'll ruin my children. I want to be someone different, but somehow...I just can't do it.  Or won’t do it.  There are two parts to me: the someone who wants to be the good truth-begetting man; and the oh-well-whatever-lie away to placate everyone man. It's so difficult to break from the second man that, like I said, I'm ruining my marriage. I'm not sure there's even much to salvage with myself, but my wife doesn't deserve that. I am not good enough for her. I am not a worthy husband, even though I'd like to be.  I have to force myself into thinking that maybe I am.

And we're back to the beginning, I'm a liar: I'm believing my own lies I tell myself. I've created a reality so distorted that I'm not sure which way is up. I can pass for a Narc. I can pass for a Sociopath. I can pass for a truth-seeker who will always be seeking and never finding. I can pass for anyone I want or need to be, like a chameleon of the human race.

Except, I genuinely care about my children.  My wife and her parents who are the healthiest people I know can see that, so somewhere, somewhere in my black soul, or missing soul, there is a part of me that can be genuine. I'd like to bring that person out of the dark, but I don't know how and I fear that will be the end of everything that is or can be a healthy life for myself.

I don't know what it is to be motivated. I don't know what it is to want something so bad that a change needs to be made. I WANT to know that, but I don't have that now. I don't know what it is to be changed, and that is the straw that will break the camel's back I fear.

2 comments:

  1. To his consternation, my husband's mother boasted to him about her lying as he grew up, did it shamelessly in front of him, and told him it was such fun and he should try it. He had no idea what to do.

    Oh, and she taunted him that he was "a little green pea." -- quartz

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  2. Ugh, just disgusting. I hope your husband and you got out of that relationship...

    Thanks for sharing,
    lifesizevision

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