Thursday, November 8, 2012

It Only Took Me Two Years

But I did it.  Finally.  After two years of trying, I sent my sister a letter and some information that is one of the most crucial pieces of the anit-Narc puzzle, the 25 Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers.

I hand wrote the letter to show that I actually put thought and effort in.  The other info was typed and printed in a separate envelope.

What I sent to my sister:

 [Sister],
I know what you’re looking for; I was looking for it too. 
We both came from the same dysfunctional family and we’re both trying to escape it, but we’re going about it in different ways. 

Please, think for yourself, speak for yourself, educate yourself.  I love you, I miss you, I’m concerned for your wellbeing, even though you may not believe that or are being told that’s not the case.

Please find a therapist and a true support system because right now you aren’t looking in the right place.  If you are willing to rethink your current situation, here is some reading material that might help you.  These have helped me: Toxic Parents by Susan Forward; Who’s Pulling Your Strings by Harriet B. Braiker; Homecoming by John Bradshaw; Children of the Self-Absorbed by Nina Brown; and www.luke173ministries.org

There are people out there who can help you. 
I wish I could help you more, but at this point, it’s your decision on how you break free.

If you are willing and able to make major changes in your life, things can be very different.  They can be better.

With Love,
Your Brother, LSV

 And that’s it.  No beating around the bush.  My message was clear: get out of that family; I love and care about her; she needs to help herself.  I sent this to her while she was in the hospital, on the 4th day.  But wouldn’t you know it; she was discharged the day she was supposed to receive the letter.  Thankfully, the hospital will forward on the letter, so now whether she gets it is sort of in the air.  It could be intercepted.

It’s nagging at me now.  I know I sent the letter for my own peace of mind, not for my sister, though the information and me reaching out I hope will do some good, like plant some seeds of self-thought or something.  I’m glad that I reached out as best as I’m able now, but the fact that she didn’t get it yet, seems to be pulling me to floor, shoulders being pulled from their sockets, knuckles dragging, feet barely lifting from the ground.  I don’t know if she’ll receive it, if she’ll ever receive it and that results in a ridiculously nagging voice urging me to somehow check on the status of the letter.  Stop it nagging, it’s out of my hands now. 
::sigh::

15 comments:

  1. I had really hoped she'd get it in the hospital because I do think it will either be intercepted before she gets it at home, or else her NM will subtly manipulate her into telling her what was in it. And then, NMIL will use it to manipulate, of course. I'm not into keeping secrets, but I am into NSIL keeping her innermost thoughts and fears private. And if your NM knows about those letters, I doubt the likelihood that NSIS will be able to do that. And if there was any chance at all that she was going to see something or use those letters as the start of trying to break away, her mother will be sure to squelch it, immediately.

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  2. Miracles happen, but I hate waiting for them. Bless you for your efforts.

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    1. It's like this whole change of life thing for me: I was waiting for an epiphany or a miracle where I'd be like OH YEAH I GET IT NOW! That's obviously not the case, and I'm fighting myself to stop thinking that she'll do that same thing. Get the letter and say, Oh THIS is what I've been waiting for!

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    2. LSV, I've had a few moments where the fog clears and every thing seems crystal clear. But, unfortunately, I don't think we are given an ah-ha moment. It's a battle with a million steps. And maybe your letter will help her take the first step.

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    3. That's the idea, plant the seeds. She's the water and the sun to make them grow.

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  3. This really moved me. I'm so hoping that she receives the letter.

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  4. LSV,
    I think that this is a well-written, thoughtful and caring letter.
    I think that you've done what you can and you have no control over the outcome. Which sucks, but it is what it is.
    I am also absolutely sure that you will know if this letter is intercepted, because I would bet a million pesos that if this letter is received by NM or one of her minions, you will see a serious escalation in attacks. These kind words will be turned against you, guaranteed.

    What matters is that you wrote it. Someday your sis will know that you wrote it, one way or another, and it will help her or it won't, but you put the truth out there and I just don't think that can ever be a bad thing. I'm sorry that it's weighing on you so heavily, though.

    I'm thinking happy thoughts for you over here. :)
    Love,
    Vanci

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    1. A million pesos - so like 10 bucks? Heh. But I think too that one way or the other, I'll know that someone got the letter, there will be some sort of fall-out. I'm satisfied with myself for writing and for sending it, but the whole being discharged thing the day after I sent it took the wind out of my sails

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    2. LSV,
      The million pesos thing is a movie line from Men at Work. DH was a movie line guy when I married him, so... :)
      Yeah, I know it took a lot of introspection and courage for you to write it and send it in the first place and then to find out that you've launched your heart on a page into empty space is disheartening, to say the least. (Terrifying to think that it might end up in the 'wrong hands,' too.)

      I'm glad that you are satisfied. :)

      Love,
      Vanci

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  5. It is out of your hands now. I'd pay a lot to have a sibling writer hat letter to me. I hope your sister gets it. And I hope you can find some peace with yourself -- it's not your fault.

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    1. It's the most real (realest?!) anyone ever been with her...ever. I hope she sees that.

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  6. Oh wow. Really really really hoping she really GETS IT. Incredible that you chose to venture out like this. Kudos. so strong of you. I'd be frigging grateful if it was me. Hugs.

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    1. If by "it" you mean Seeing that she has to break free and that she gets the letter, I'm totally with you there. I think I would feel even better if I knew she received the letter, but still, I'm glad I sent it.

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  7. You completed the letter and sent it. Now waiting begins. Sometimes waiting takes a lot of time. Take care.

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