Monday, March 12, 2012

The Abandoned

My wife asked me the other day if I had ever felt that I had been abandoned by my parents.

I thought only a short while about this and said that I didn't.  She wondered if I really felt that way or if that was a product of me burying really intense emotions as I have been taught to do.

A point duly noted.

I guess I was looking at my past through my [slightly clearer] present lens.  Those people, the life from which I came, didn't hold great meaning for me.  I don't miss my old life.  Not in the least.  My wife pointed out that, at the time, those people did mean something to me, even if it was a very fleeting, hollow sort of meaning.  But to be abandoned, one would have to feel like one really fit in, belonged wherever this being was.

I never felt that way.  I don't remember feeling that way.  I only remember floating through my existence and were a wind to push me in another direction, such would be the direction I would go.

What about betrayal my wife asked.  There, I could only answer her one single time where I felt really betrayed - my mother's affair which I brought to light.  I still feel betrayed, as she has never really apologized and I suspect never will.  But your "friends" she pressed.

Ah yes, my three "best" friends.  Two of them chose to side with my mother, the last is too wishy washy to do so (he's more like me than the other two) but did side with his wife who chose to disrespect us entirely.  I would say that I was abandoned by those friends however, I still feel that I didn't have a super-strong connection with them, else I would have reacted differently (sad/angry/etc)....right?

Perhaps my lack of feelings of abandonment had its roots in my conclusion that my mother didn't really want me as a child anyway, which resulted in her very natural dismissal of her child's very basic emotional needs.  She turned the tables on her child, never should a human being need her like this child does, rather, she will use this child to her advantage.  Do my bidding, she says.  Subsequently, this child does not develop a deep emotional anything with anyone, only a parasitic bond with the mother.  How can this child feel a sense of abandonment then, when he wasn't made to feel that he belonged, that his only purpose was to feel the insatiable thirst of his birth mother's emotional depravity.

Still...at one time, the people in my life meant something to me.  Meant what though?  Perhaps I used them for attention, to feed some of my developing narcissistic needs.  Hell, I picked them up from a person who knew how to get what she wanted all too well.  Shouldn't I feel terrible though, looking back at this little boy who, right from birth, was abandoned by his mother?  Perhaps.  Or perhaps I've used my self-induced callous creator 1100 as a defense mechanism to either A. help me get through or B. protect myself from an inordinate amount of suffering.  Maybe both, maybe neither.  Maybe.

During the time where I was beginning to set boundaries when I was in a relationship with my wife and my mother was acting the "woman scorned" part, I did not feel abandoned.  I felt many other things, but abandoned was not one of them.  I suggested that was due in part to my in-laws' behavior.  They took me in as one of their own.  Loved me in spite of myself.  Shoot, my father in law said right around the time that my wife and I started dating that he had another son (me) because he could see how much his daughter cared for me, and likewise, I for her. 

Abandoned I was not, even though an emotional orphan I was.