Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Sides

Several days after this, my once-dear-friend sent me this:

LSV,
Since you haven't gotten back to me I simply sent your mom a short message saying that you asked me not to contact her, that I was going to respect that wish and that you and your family are all safe and healthy to the best of my knowledge.

Once-Dear-Friend

So, he not only expressed to my mother some pieces of a conversation he and I had about her - which I expected to stay between he and I - but he contacted her even when I told him not to.

He does not have the friendship he claimed to care about in his mind at all. He has put "common courtesy" above all else and in doing so has effectively said that he doesn't care about me at all. His "common courtesy" is completely disrespecting me and the friendship we had. He does not do well with change. He is too pompous and on-high to see anything but what he wants, even if it's his supposed best friend expressing to him something that he really needs.

I don't believe he's got any idea what friendship is.
I don't believe he's got my best interests in mind.
I don't believe him when he says he cares.

It's dead Once-Dear-Friend. Our friendship is dead, and YOU killed it.

He's a real piece of work that guy.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Cars

I had a dream last night and I can’t remember much, but I remember this:

I was in the car with my family (my wife, my kids) and there was another car filled with my mother, my sister, and other non-descript family of origin members. I could not see their faces but I knew that’s who they were. I got out of my car and walked over to the other vehicle. My mother was already crying, not hard, but just under her breath. I looked at my sister and I could tell she was angry with me. I told her how she needs to get away from these people, they will only hurt her. She lashed out at me, kicking, yelling and screaming. My mother openly cried hard. I felt I had spoken my piece and walked away from the car, got into my car with my family and that’s when I awoke.

.W.h.o.a.

My analysis: I began in the car with my family - my wife, my children. I see this as where my loyalties are. Were I to begin anywhere else, I would have said perhaps they lie elsewhere. I got out of my car and walked over to the car with my family of origin. I can see how this might seem that I am abandoning my family, however, I felt in the dream that I was confident enough in what I Saw, in the Truth, that I could go over to the other car and be unaffected. At the other car, I explained to my sister the Truth about the family, how toxic they really were. Even with my mother crying I was calm, and resisted manipulation efforts. I saw how my sister reacted and felt that I had done what I could and I could not spend more time at this car with my mother weeping, and my sister following suit. I was satisfied with my actions and my efforts and calmly went back to the car to the family in which I belong. I believe I was showing myself that I was no longer a part of my family of origin; that it was not my responsibility who could make my sister See what was going on; that I had the ability to resist the negativity and manipulation of my family of origin; that I truly belong not with my family of origin, but with a healthier, more loving family - the family I helped to create. I was not sad when I woke up. I was pensive. I would even say I was satisfied with myself for having the confidence to stand up (even in a dream) for what I believe to be right. Now, I know this wasn't focused on my family, it was more focused on me and my feelings, my behaviors, but I don't see this as a negative. I had no negative feelings toward my family, in fact I was satisfied to be back where I belong.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Thursday, July 14, 2011

To My Face

A once dear friend of mine who has proven that he is not interested in my feelings or my needs sent an email to me today. It read:

LSV,
Your mother sent me a facebook message asking how you and your family are doing. I haven't responded yet. I previously told you because you asked I would refrain from any real conversation with her; but if she did contact me that, out of courtesy, I would at least and say hello and wish her well.

I still do intend to say hello. Is there any message about you, [your wife] or the kids I can also pass along?
Friend

Ok, so I told this "friend" that I was not comfortable with him communicating with my mother. I told him this several ways and several times. I did not want him doing this and told him so...several ways, and several times. He replied that he would not intentionally seek out communication or contact with her, HOWEVER, if she reached out to him he would respond out of courtesy.

Can anyone else hear the sound of a friendship dying?

Yes, he is choosing to be courteous to an abusive mother rather than to accept his supposed best friend's requests. He has told me time, and time again that he cares about me and is my best friend. This is not a best friend. This is a person who does not care about me or my feelings. He is flat out disrespecting me to my face well, to my face via email. What a friend, huh?

I would like to respond to him with a simple, "It is apparent that we have nothing to discuss."

Is it worth it though?

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

I Don't Want To Go Swimming

I saw a very unsettling series of events occur several days ago.

A child did not want to go swimming anymore. His father, in an attempt to play with his son, began teasing him, pretending to come after the child and eventually picked the child up. The child was continually asserting, “I don’t want to go swimming”. I could not hear the father’s reply but the father threw the boy in the water.

The child came up and repeated, “I don’t want to go swimming”.

The father picked the child up again and threw him in the water.

The child repeated now with deep melancholy, “No, I don’t WANT to go SWIMMING”.

The father picked up the child and they both jumped in.

The boy swam away from his father. The boy’s face clearly showing a very hurt and discontented spirit. On reaching the beach, he would not look or speak to his father.

I watched this scene before me. Immediately when the father first disregarded his son’s feelings, I felt deeply uncomfortable. Something told me that this wasn't right. A deeply seeded part of my being was communicating with me. I could not understand why this father would and could so easily do that to his son. The boy has a choice, as do all children. They have a voice that should be heard, and in this case should be listened to.

I did not do anything to help the boy. I watched. I felt more and more that something was very wrong in the interaction between parent and child. Could this father not see how his son was reacting to his behaviors? Could the father not see the consternation on his son’s face? Or hear it in his voice? Does he choose not to see, simply ignoring the glaring signs? Does he truly not understand what he is doing to his son?

Either way I have been very distraught over this scene and having done nothing in at least attempting to protect the child who cannot protect himself. I realized – with the help of a very intelligent and observant wife – that this father was in fact, bullying his son. The victim of bullying myself, I can certainly relate to this poor child. Interestingly enough, I recognized that something was wrong with the father’s method of interacting with his son, however, I just didn’t associate the term with the behavior.

I was then even more distraught: I could not protect this child, as no one protected me. I need to protect me. I need to protect my children from this sort of behavior. More importantly, it is I that must not engage in that kind of awful behavior as well.

I am at the very very least glad that I was able to recognize an unhealthy behavior between parent and child and have the wherewithal to understand that this behavior is unacceptable. I have a part of me that wants to protect children and I believe that's an essential piece of me, especially when it comes to Transcending Indifference.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Throwing Stars

The other day I remembered a recurring dream I had about my father.

He and I were walking on opposite sides of a traffic jam. Next thing I knew I saw throwing stars (the four pointed very sharp instruments of death used by the elusive ninja) hurtling towards my father. They hit and killed him.

I had this dream long before I was a teenager and just remembered it the other day. I remember waking up being very upset and often I would be crying when I awoke. I cannot remember if I was the one that actually threw them or if I was just unable to stop them from hitting him now.

Points of interest:
- he and I were walking on opposite sides of traffic
- he died
- if I threw these weapons, I was most certainly trying to kill him

I think I'd like to start a dream diary. Or at least just write them down somewhere.

A Good Idea

My father left me a voicemail on my birthday pleading, "please don't separate yourself from your blood family. It is not a good idea".

To that I say...why?
Being related doesn't necessitate an avenue of communication. I'm realizing that more and more as of late. Thankfully it's not too late.
I am not obliged to remain in contact or associated with people who are destructive to me or my family.  Regardless of what my father believes or what my family of origin believes, those beliefs don't automatically pertain to me simply because he says or they say they do. I have a right to determine for myself what is best for me.

How am I to develop my sense of ... anything really when I'm constantly told what to do and how to behave? The answer is: I can't.

---------------------------------------

On a very very separate note: I'm very nervous for the future of this country.
Corporations escape taxes.
Millionaires escape taxes.
Bull.Shit.