***Please note: This is not a political commentary post nor is it an endorsement for any such political ... anything.***
I chose this phrase because it seemed so very appropriate and I'm not sure why yet. My reason for writing today is because it's my birthday and this of course opened up the doors for those I chose not to contact to contact me.
My mother's best friend contacted me and left a voicemail saying essentially that she misses me terribly, she thinks of me "as she often does", she's going to send a present for my son, happy birthday (seven times), she misses me and thinks of me, and ok bye. The last time she contacted me was I think mid-2010 to ask if I wanted an old TV back that I had given her at least five years ago! I know why she called and it was not to wish me a happy birthday. It was to reach out to me for my mother because if my mother can't reach me, by golly someone will. Yeah... I did not return the phone call. During the entire message my face was twisted and wrinkled in such a way that could only say, "what in the hell is this woman doing calling me?". Then I chuckled at myself and excitedly played it for my wife. She shared my response.
My aunt sent me an email this morning saying that she wished me a happy birthday and she misses me. Also that she realizes that I don't want anything to do with them but she still loves me and thinks of me often. She hopes I take care and have a wonderful birthday. Right, so it's MY fault that I don't contact people who are hurtful to me and my family. And I want that? No, I need it and it is a result of the treatment I received from my family of origin (e.g. YOU PEOPLE) and that is most certainly N O T my fault. I did not send a response.
My mother's second ex-husband called me. His voicemail was more expected: Hey LSV, just wishing you a happy birthday and have a great day, take care. His voice was flat, he didn't care, nor did he want to be doing that. He did because of obligation, in the hopes that maybe I would pick up because, after all, he'd called out of the blue the week before, and on Father's Day, and now on my birthday. I did not pick up. Nor will I return his call.
It's only noon now, and I fully expect more of my old life to come crawling (or charging) back today, like my birthday gives them an excuse to show that they really do care, see how much we care by calling you even though you hate us?
So I think the "taste for dirt" comes in now, like these people are some mutant form of human beings, contorted and deformed so that they walk on both their hands and feet and their faces are so close to the ground that their mouths drag, and subsequently eat dirt.
Call us, contact us, come back to us they say, in a hideous, raspy whisper.
I cannot and will not, I say.
Come back, we forgive you, they say. Their voices are vaguely hypnotic...
I force myself to focus...You forgive me? That is absurd, I say.
Everything will be back to normal, they say.
Stronger now....I don't need you, and I don't need your "normal", I say.
And here we are.