Thursday, May 19, 2011

Gargantuan Slap

One of my best friends - or so I thought - is getting married this year. I just recently received the invite to their wedding. I wouldn't be writing anything were this only a case of, friend sends other friend proper invite to wedding....

::flashback::

It was about a year ago when the chaos began. My wife began her first blog and there she was expressing herself about a great many things.  One of frustrations she was expressing was about Save the Date cards for weddings. My friend and his fiancé just sent theirs out to their guests and my wife and I received one. This spurred her into writing a post about Save the Date cards in general.

I made the mistake of letting my friend see the blog and ... cue narc spewage.

My wife has a wonderful analysis of the interaction between my friend's fiancé and I. I can tell you that my responses are far from anything good, but what's also important are her reactions to my wife's opinions about cards in general.

Add to that, when my wife expressed that she didn't want photos or videos taken of her and posted without her consent, my friend's fiancé reeled. She felt that in our coming to the wedding we were effectively giving our permission for photos to be taken of us, and for them to be posted. Yep, just by going we're consenting to friend's fiancé’s demands. Previously she had posted information about my family, and a picture of me on their wedding website without permission.

::flashforward::

Ok, so I get the invitation in the mail and ... it is addressed only to me. Not to both of us. Just to me. My wife was not invited.

I saw immediately that friend's fiancé was intentionally disrespecting me, my wife, and her fiancé’s friendship with me. I sent an email to her:

Friend & Friend's Fiancé,
I received your invitation to the wedding.
I saw that it was addressed only to me and not to my wife.
[Friend's Fiancé], for someone purporting to follow common standards of decency, this is the rudest way to proceed.
Friend, I'm very disappointed and hurt by this.
I am insulted and offended and I will not allow me or my wife to be treated in such a way.
My wife was not included in the invite, I will not be attending the wedding.


Response from friend's fiancé:
I am sorry that you feel so hurt by this. Please do not blame this on Friend or take it out on him; it was a decision i made, and he does not deserve to be hurt by it. The decision was made because of your wife's negative feelings towards our save the date, as well as many of the hurtful and derogatory comments made towards me and about me in the time that followed. I didn't particularly feel that i was obligated to invite someone to my wedding who clearly did not wish me the best on a very special day. It was also made to avoid the issue of photography that was sure to arise if [your wife] were to attend. Honestly, I can't understand why you would be upset about this as it was done to protect [your wife's] privacy, since there will surely be videos and pictures being taken at the wedding. We wanted to protect her privacy, and judging by her blog entries from the save the date, it didn't seem that she would be interested in attending. Also, Friend did inform you approximately 8 months ago that she would not be invited, so this should come as no surprise.

I am sorry that you will not be attending, however, i cannot say i am surprised. But if you truly care about Friend, you will understand that he had nothing to do with this and you won't hold a grudge against him.

I love Friend, very much, and the last thing i ever want in this entire world is to hurt him. If you feel the same, you will act accordingly. Don't contact me again if you wish to insult me.


So there it is: it was her decision that she intentionally left out my wife because of what she perceived as personal threats and attacks. The flit has been shung.

Narc much?

I sent a follow up email to my friend only basically to reach out to him and say "dude, did you really sanction this behavior? That hurt and it's messed up". He told me that he did indeed know about it. I wasn't totally surprised though: he is super-passive, and a pushover.  Probably what drew me to him in the first place.  He wants everyone to be happy and prefers never to go against the grain. So it's no surprise when his wife, a super-controlling inconsiderate, arrogant woman says to do something or feel something, he'll do it.  Can’t say I’m much different though.

I am sad about what happened with my friend here, but they are a package deal and here's what I think is happening: she tells him to feel/do and he does. He apologized for me being hurt, but he didn't apologize for the behavior. Not surprising: that's what his fiancé did too. He also maintained that I was one of his closest friends and he cares about me.

I....
I am not so sure.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Dreamscape

My dreams of late have been consumed with fierce storms, mainly of the lightning and wind kind, flooding, and dotted with fire and boat catastrophes.

I think I'm trying to tell myself something...

I don't write down many of my dreams, and I should really start doing that. It's a great way to analyze what the unconcious "me" is trying to tell the concious "me". One dream that was so vivid came to me when I was in college and it so disturbed me that I had to write it down. I believe it was 2006, possibly 2005. The date is interesting becuase my grandmother died Oct 2006, so it could be a death dream but I'm not sure. Either way here is what I wrote:

A family boards a plane in the Czech Republic.  It was a 737, with three seats on either side of a singular aisle.  There are blue waters around the airport, bluer than they should be anyway.  The plane taxis to the runway and speeds up to take off.  The boy in the family notices smoke—white—coming from the engine of the plane. He is nervous.  The plane circles the airport several times, nearly hitting land when the engine explodes and rips off part of the wing.  The chunks of metal smash into the tail of the plane, causing more blasts.  People are standing up trying to retrieve their luggage, the oxygen masks are deployed.  Forced to land, the pilots make a rough landing fairly smooth.  Disembarking from the plane, the boy takes pictures of the aftermath: a fiery space where the wing was supposed to be, a charred section of the plane where a hole has formed.  Then, he sees him.  The Grim Reaper walks along side a body that the local emergency services are removing.  It seems like no one can see him, just the boy knows he’s there.  Grim Reaper looks right at the boy, the gray hooded cloak falls around an invisible body.  Only blackness under the hood, only blackness.

I am the boy in the dream if it isn't apparent.

I was witness to a horrific event -- my mother's devastating blow to her son's trust and emotional foundation
I saw 'death' in the form of the Grim Reaper -- I "deadened" myself to emotion and thought altogether

Other thoughts/interpretations?

Monday, May 9, 2011

Came and Went

Mother's Day came and went without any phone calls or emails from my mother or father or any of their families.

My wife asked me before Mother's Day if I had thought about what the day would be like. I replied that I wasn't even thinking about my mother. The day would not be marred with thoughts of that woman. I do believe that is a step in the right direction.

I do not owe her anything. She will not guilt me into thinking I do.
I do not owe my father anything. He will not guilt me into thinking I do.

I am certain that I am being painted as the Evil Child now. My sister is reaping her "rewards" as the Golden Child now. She gets the attention, she gets the adoration. Fine by me. I don't want that burden on my shoulders any longer.

My father talks to my mother, plays into her games and believes that I am purposefully hurting my mother, and now hurting him by speaking the truth. I will not play their games. I will not be their doormat. And that has them writhing in their own skins.

I will no longer be bound by their strings, their tactics, their needs. I am a person whose needs and desires and health supersedes theirs. I am person entitled to be happy. And this I will be.

A happy Mother's Day indeed.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Meeting

I would like to say how much I appreciate and love my wife. Never have I met someone like her, who has truly Seen me, and push me so hard to better myself.

We met in early 2009, through match.com. I will recount the meeting as accurately as I can:
It was Sunday morning. The air was crisp (no, really it was!) and I was sitting in my car looking at the bundle of flowers on the passenger side seat - yellow, orange, and pink colored roses. You see, I'd done some research on what rose colors mean and I wanted to pick out the ones I thought most appropriate. These colors meant, creativity, intelligence, and warmth I believe was the third.

It was a half an hour before the time she and I decided on, but I was so nervous I arrived at the bookstore early. Later she would tell me that she was over an hour early to get some books for herself! Leaving the roses on the seat next to me, I got out of the car and began walking toward the door. Half-way between the car and the door I stopped. I figured, well I already got these roses, and we'd exchanged a few emails already so she pretty much knows enough about me to know if she wants to continue dating me, so why the hell not, let me get these roses. Go all out LSV. So I returned to the car, picked up the roses from the seat, and carried my suddenly enormously heavy feet to the double doors of the book store.

I breathed once, a heavy "lets do this!" breath, and pushed open the first set of doors. For some reason, I do not quite know, I turned around and opened the second set of doors with my back, so I walked backwards into the book store. Backwards, I was backwards.  Fitting isn’t it.

It only took me a moment for me to find her. A black sweater and jeans and a pile of books seven high on the table. I swear I could even smell her from where I was standing. She looked up and our eyes locked. We smiled. I fell in love. Hard.

We quickly became inseparable (me more than she admittedly): I wanted to see her 24 hours a day, and she wanted to see me a healthy amount. I obliged. Our relationship blossomed and developed quickly and before long we were expecting and moving in together. Now, this may be too much too soon for some, but she and I seemed to work excellently together.

My family of origin did not take all of this news well: my father surprised me with his initial reaction but of course they asked if we were going to marry before the baby was born. When we said we weren't, they seemed alright, but they were judging.

My mother said right off the bat when we told her, "[boyfriend’s nickname], I was right!", then proceeded to go into a spiel about being too young to be a grandmother, and can the child call her by her first name. Her boyfriend even began telling a story, in a feeble attempt to try to connect to us, about a one night stand of his that resulted in a child. It took over a decade but now he's trying to get back in touch with said child. Disgusting.

So this was a little shout out to my wife who is my foundation and my support and will be so long as my heart is beating and my brain is working. I encourage readers to take a gander at her blog as she is a fantastic blogger and shares insights that are most certainly worth reading.

So thank you Wife. For everything you've done for me, and everything you will do in the future. I cannot properly express my appreciation but so long as we both shall live, I will try!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Not A Punching Bag

I decided, maybe at the beginning of this year, that my mother didn't want a child when she became pregnant with me. My father made it clear that they weren't ready for one. Add to that they weren't married when they conceived AND were pregnant with me when they finally did marry. I believe they married because they were pregnant and they believed (or at least one of them, I'm not certain who) that their child should grow up in a dual-parent household. I believe they decided to keep me and figured "well the kid's here, I guess we can love him...or at least try to".

And so they did. Try to love me I mean.

I think of this and become angry with them. I'd like to shout at the two youngster parents "stop fucking around and either be completely invested in this child or don't!" Or more simply "stop fucking around!", which umbrellas both the act of conceiving AND the emotional act they were putting on. That's the curse of retrospect though isn't it?

I think my mother ended up taking some of her frustrations at having a child without planning it out on me, her own child. I say this because she teased me quite a bit. One thing I remember quite clearly was that she used to call me "the dog faced boy" (see: the infamous character himself). We all laughed, my sister, my mother, and I, every time she said it. I think it made her feel better somehow, to put down this being that took away the control she had on her own life.

It also seems to me now, that she was attempting to be "friends" with her children and not a parent. It's because she didn't want to be a parent. She wanted to be an older friend to her kids. That made her feel better, to know that responsibility for these lives was not really on her shoulders. She couldn't handle it and quite frankly didn't want to handle it. And so how does she treat her friends? Teases them, of course. She made this clear when my wife and I announced our pregnancy to her. She requested to be called by her first name because "she was too young to be a grandma".

That's rich. But don't worry mother, you're not a grandma any more than you are a wife, a mother, or a friend.

Go fuck yourself for not being happy for me, for not loving me and not enriching my life with the love I needed and deserved.
Go fuck yourself for not respecting me or my family.
Go fuck yourself for pretending all my life that you were someone who cared about me.
Go fuck yourself for teaching me all of your deplorable habits to masquerade through life.

Just go fuck yourself.

And when you're done with that...

Fuck off.

It's You

I heard this on the radio this morning.

Appropriate?

I think so!

Let's get the story straight
You were a poison
You flooded through my veins
You left me broken
You tried to make me think
That the blame was all on me
With the pain you put me through
And now I know that it's not me it's you

It's not me it's you
Always has been you
All the lies and stupid things you say and do
It's you
It's not me it's you
All the lies and pain you put me through
I know that it's not me it's you
You
You
It's not me it's you, you

So here we go again
The same fight we're always in
I don't care so why pretend
Wake me when your lecture ends
You tried to make me small
Make me fall and it's all your fault
With the pain you put me through
And now I know that it's not me it's you

Let's get the story straight
You were a poison
Flooding through my veins
Driving me insane
And now you're gone away
I'm no longer choking
From the pain you put me through
And now I know that it's not me it's you

It's not me, it's you

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Four

For Upsi

Four...
Places I go:
1. To work to protect public food supply
2. Food shopping with my family - this is mega-splendid
3. To brother and sister in law's for breakfast every Sunday morning
4. Sometimes...a little crazy...

Smells I love:
1. Brownies
2. Saute garlic, onions, and oil
3. Early morning ocean air
4. The cold aroma right before it begins to snow

TV Shows:
1. Friends
2. Home Improvement
3. Psych
4. Rachel Maddow/The Daily Show/The Colbert Report

Recommendations:
1. Napping
2. Eating brownies then napping
3. Eating brownies, napping, then golfing
4. Eating brownies, napping, golfing, then having a beer

Things Unknown About Me Until You Read Them:
1. My favorite color is purple
2. I want to work in a deli with my own griddle when I retire
3. I do an amazing gorilla impression
4. I'm a match.com success story

Concerts I'd Like to See:
1. Nickelback
2. Harry Connick Jr.
3. Trans Siberian Orchestra (ok, I've already seen them but they're so wonderful, I want to go again)
4. Karaoke performed by my wife!

Things To Do:
1. Gaming
2. Writing/and to a lesser extent Reading
3. Beaching
4. Building

People Whose Four I'd Like to Read:
1. You
2. You
3. You
and
4. You
**Note: this is an open "you" meaning I'd read many a follower's four!**

My Father, The Child

My father called me back last night. Over a day since his first phone call.

The rundown:
Right away I asked him about the "stuff" that he said he had for the kids. "Oh, they're, you know, Easter things, for the kids."
Cool, what kind of things, I asked.
"They're...[Father's Wife] what are they?" At this point I hear my stepmother in the background getting frustrated and upset with my father. Then I can make out her saying "Oh, what difference does it make?".
My father gets back on the phone with me, "They're just presents, let’s leave it at that."

S-n-e-a-k-y.

Oook, I reply. Then I ask him about having dinner with me. He replies it was just to spend some time together "you know, like we used to."
Dad, I'm married now, I'm kind of a package deal here.
"Oh, well yeah, well they can come too, I don't care."
Ok, well Dad, I'm not going to dinner with you by myself, I have a family. Plus, we haven't gone to dinner in a long time anyway. I'm married now. Why would you want to go to dinner with just me anyway?
"Oh well, you know, to talk about guy stuff, to have some guy time."
Anything you want to say to me you can say to my wife.
"Well no, there are some things that maybe I don't want [wife] to hear."

At this point, I told my father I had to call him back. I repeated this conversation to my wife and she promptly told me to call him back. We did and we were on speaker phone with my father and his wife. My wife told him how it was sneaky, and deceptive, and unacceptable to not include me in discussions he has with me. My stepmother chimed in and attempted to explain that it was her idea for my father to attempt to spend more time with me and maybe going out to dinner was a good way to do that. Well, the last time my father and I went out to dinner, he gave me a book on courage and told me to forgive everyone. Translation: you are a coward, grow some and be a man, and stop hating everything, and let everyone walk all over you. Thanks Dad.

My father tried to reiterate that he just wanted to go out to dinner "like we used to", and my wife and I told him again that we were a package deal. My step-mother responded with projection: "you know, it's very hard to schedule you in, you're very difficult."

Hold up.
This coming from the couple who came down for a half an hour last Christmas. Who show up late to their granddaughter's birthday party because they were doing other things and lost track of time. Who WE have to schedule time with because THEY are too busy to have their children and grandchildren show up on a Saturday out of the blue. I conclude they are not willing to take responsibility for their mistakes and are not willing to change their lives to show me and my family that we are important.

My wife let them know that they were projecting and we would not take responsibility for their actions. They both flared at this: "What?! What does that mean?!"

My father spoke angrily, "You know what [LSV's wife] I'm done talking with you, I want to speak with LSV now."
I said, Dad, anything you have to say to me, you can say to my wife as well.
"Then I'm going to have to say goodbye."
**Click**
Translation: I only want my son, and I don't want his wife, and if I can't have my way, I'm going to let the world know about it by making a fuss and storming off.

^^There it is: my father, the child.^^

A few minutes later my stepmother called back to say that she "didn't want things to end on a bad note." Right off the bat, she said to my wife, "you know, [LSV's wife] I hope your heart is open to this, what I'm going to say", implying that my wife was close-hearted to begin with! That did NOT set a good tone to this second conversation.

She tried to explain that she goes out with her girlfriends and her daughters and well, it's ok do that because SHE does it. And so because SHE does it, that must be a universal truth to all marriages. Was she talking down to us? Looks like it. She wanted to smooth things over but only if my wife and I did what she wanted, which was to see things her way only. She began asking my wife about what she had done to wrong her, "seriously, I don't know what I have done, I'd like know. I want to know."
That's not with this phone call was about - it was about why my father wanted to have dinner with me and only talk about "guy stuff" and not let my wife be a part of it. We asked were my father was.
"Oh, he's cooling off right now. He's too upset to talk, and he doesn't want to say the wrong thing because he's angry."
We explained that we shouldn't be having a conversation that directly involves him without him. She didn't want to hear it. She told my wife that she was very "sharp" and very "difficult".
My wife: Ok [LSV's stepmother] I'm going to hang up now.
"Listen sweetheart, you're going to have to grow up --"
**Click**

Re-effing-dick-you-luss

Monday, May 2, 2011

Assualt: Alpha Wave

So it begins...

My father called my cell phone last night:
"Hey LSV, it's Dad. I have some stuff for the kids to drop off. Or we can get together for dinner one night this week if you want. Ok let me know."

Red flags everywhere. Even more so for my wife who can actually See.

1. He never said what the "stuff" was. My wife and I both postulated that because he never disclosed where the stuff came from or what it was coupled with the fact I sent my No Contact letter just last week, the "stuff" must actually be the Christmas presents my mother said she had.

2. My father and his wife don't usually just have "stuff for the kids". My step mother may have gotten something (she has on rare occasion done this), but I am less inclined to believe this because of the "or we can meet for dinner" part.

3. Why would my father want to meet me for dinner just to drop stuff off for the kids? Now, my father has never been good at communicating so it very well could be that he wanted to have dinner with everyone and just didn't say that, but I am not inclined to believe that currently.

4. The last time my father and I went out to dinner alone was in June of 2010. He proceeded to tell me how I should forgive everyone and I don't have to make the choices I was making (presumably about my wife and my mother).

5. He routinely talks to my mother even though they have been divorced for over 20 years. He has shown me that he is not on my side and I'm beginning to realize that quicker now.

6. He is not reliable and has ulterior motives, therefore, I can't fully believe him when he says something as simply as "I have stuff for the kids" or "let’s go out to dinner".

I returned his phone call about a half hour he called me. I have not yet heard from him. This is not unique though: he does not call me back in a timely manner. He never as. And he's flat out told me that I'm around fourth on his priority list: after God, his wife, and his family. I guess I'm not really his son?

Nah, never have been, huh “dad”.